A Manifesto By Martin Sargent
With Patrick Norton away tending to his newborn child, I thought I’d take this opportunity to explain why I’d be a better host than him not only of Tekzilla, but also of Systm. I think the primary answer is in the question. Patrick Norton is away tending to his newborn child. What does that tell you? That Patrick Norton must have had sex. So right there, he should be disqualified as host, for how can he honestly relate to this geeky audience, none of whom are probably getting any? That’s why I am a better choice, along with David Randolph 
and perhaps Joey 
.
Now then, what would I do as host? First off, no more boring crap like Blu Ray vs. HD DVD or a whole episodes about batteries. Lame! No, my tech projects would be exciting, hard-hitting and add value to your lives. Such as the following:
I.
I’d teach you how to create your very own RoboDump 1.0. RoboDump 1.0 is a robot that poos. Or more accurately, it’s a robot that fools people into thinking that it’s pooing. To the untrained eye, RoboDump 1.0 appears like a man in a bathroom stall dropping a deuce. And it sounds like that as well. A man dropping a terrifying, mind-bending, universe-shattering deuce. Listen:
In reality, the RoboDump 1.0 is a fake set of legs with some sound chips and speakers and wires and stuff attached. But I wouldn’t stop there. I’d create RoboDump 2.0, which has all the features of RoboDump 1.0 but also tries to solicit sex from the man at the next stall. And then I’d create RoboDump 3.0, which is merely Dave Randolph chained to the toilet, after being force fed a dizzying amount of laxatives.
II.
But wait, there’s more. I’d also show you how to create really cool case mods! Case mods that make sense. For example, aren’t you tired of your desk being covered with empty liquor bottles? Yeah, me too. But cleaning is hard and takes away from time better spent gaming and hacking, so why not just create a case mod that is an empty liquor bottle, like this one:
This is an entire computer hidden tastefully in an empty bottle of Ballantine’s Scotch Whiskey. Sure, there might be cooler case mods out there, such as this old favorite that looks like a weapon of mass destruction, but can you drink a WMD? I’ve tried, and the answer is a resounding no. So take that, Patrick Norton! I win.
III.
Finally, I’d undertake projects that offer true value to you, my adoring audience. For example, it’s no secret that we’re hurtling towards the Great Undoing, the apocalypse that will occur at the end of the Mayan Calendar on December 21, 2012. So if the geeks are truly to inherit the earth, we must be prepared. That’s why I’d teach you how to create a gas mask out of common computer parts such as a CPU fan, a disk cleaner and a CD case.
But a gas mask will not be enough when Galactica invades on July 25, 2011. It might get you through 2009’s Great War of Sorrows with the Red Chinese, but not the invasion of Galactica. Let’s not be silly. For that, you’ll need to know how to build your very own cabinet shelter safe room, which is an inexpensive, easy, and space-saving way to protect yourself from biological, chemical, nuclear and space poison contaminents.
IV.
So for the reasons I’ve just outlined, plus my universal appeal, and my near-complete basement project to re-engineer a dialysis machine to cure hangovers, I should be the host of Tekzilla (www.revision3.com/tekzilla) and Systm (www.revision3.com/systm) on Revision3, not Patrick Norton. Next time, I’ll explain why it would make sense for me to also replace Alex Albrecht on Diggnation.
–
Support Martin. Watch Web Drifter and Infected on Revision3.com or else he’ll keep showing up on shows you actually like.
This entry was posted on Friday, October 26th, 2007 at 2:06 pm and is filed under Polemics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Its hard to know who to support now.
Don’t make me CHOOSE!!!!
More Sargent makes the workld a better place.
I’d rather you replace Jessica, Martin. Oh wait, did I go there? I totally did!
And yes, more Martin is always a good thing!
Surely I’m not the only one who can’t find the fast forward quick enough any time Martin shows up?!?
We can forgive Patrick for having sex just this once, can’t we, lol?!
Martin Who !!!!!
Nobody can replace Patrick. Leave the man alone gessh!!! He just came from DL.TV.
I am glad him and Jim Louderback is still where we can keep tabs on them. I was concerned until I saw they moved to revision3.
I do not like infected but Webdrifter is too funny.
Sargent can be funny I just haven’t seen it yet ok, he is funny just not on infected.
As for gator “GO NOLES” he’ll get it.
Rock ON!!!!!!
Martin Sargent is the least funny person ever.
I laughed so hard my sides hurt. Loved it.
LEAVE PATRICK ALONE!!!! I MEAN IT
i think martin should just take over the whole internet. I mean, the name of the internet would change to the martinet….but that looks alot like a site about drinks.
I only just logged on to this website today for the first time in a year with the sole purpose of leaving as many messages in as many places as possible to implore the endangered lauderback not to cancel Infected and this is what I find???? A blog posting by the Sarge!
Just fix SARGEWORLD already!!
I would rather read the sarge blog there. I feel sick just being on this site
As if. Martin isn’t all that funny. Sure the case mods are cool, but that just meant that he looked around and judged among some cool case mods found on the Web. I could do that, but am I jockeying for Patrick’s job? No. I’d take the job if offered, but Martin needs to sit down, shut up, and work on his show some more. Work on his jokes, too. Honestly–pooing robot?! Next!!!
norton…
Great links to other bargains as well. Well worth a visit….
inexpensive computer parts…
That was very interesting to me but while I think about it please check out my site I have been working on lately…
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