Just for this moment

[frankiethewaffle]

I did post this in the General discussions thread. I am gonna repeat it here as I have connected to everyone on TRS threads more than anyone. Forgive what applies to other responses.

"Well, I imagined the worst and it happened. My sister in law lost the baby.

As far as I had felt in the meantime. I appreciate the post that pointed out emotional response stuff. I looked it up and could somewhat connect with what I felt but a link from those things led me to something that I did feel. For someone like me that has to over analyze everything, it helped. Don't ask me what that link was. I just can't do it now.

The questions still remain, how do I help them with out being an idiot. Here's why. You should have seen their faces when they told me. Actually they had my oldest Niece tell me. My nieces are so beautiful. So smart. Perfect kids. Now this is where I want to cry. How do I break what seemed too perfect for them.

I am a wise ass, a stand up comic. That will not serve me here. Not that I would ever make jokes about this, but there is NO humor possible here. I can't even tell the "Two Jews in a shoe box" joke. When can I inject humor for any reason with them. I know about grief, BELIEVE me I do.

But this is a new one. I can't even find my way here. How can I offer my support to my Brother and Sister in law without telegraphing my grief, or saying something stupid.

I don't know. I just don't know about this. Like I said, I can make people feel better with laughter, anytime. Not this time. Forget the laughter. How can I help them.

PS ....and now the tears flow.

PPS There is no "Two Jews in a shoe box" joke. Not to my knowledge. I just said that because it is stereotypical. Not of Jews, but of jokes."

[siraim]

Just be there. Quietly.. or boisterously.. with open arms if they need you.. or across the room if they need you there. There will be moments where your ability to lighten the room will be appreciated and needed. But..again.. just be there.

... and I'm very sorry. My thoughts are with your sister-in-law and brother.

[trsjeff]

Oh, frankie, I am so sorry to hear this. So very sad. I feel honored that in a difficult time like this you would turn to this community for solace. I hope that our genuine feelings of support will be some comfort as you deal with the loss.

I wish I could provide advice for how to deal with this, but as I sit here thinking about it, the best I can come up with is that there is no "right" way to provide help to your family. But the good news is that there really is no "wrong" way, either. Coming, as you are, from a place of real caring and sympathy, your support will be apparent, and your good will will be helpful. All you can do is go through the pain and be there alongside them.

I wish you the best.

-Jeff

[serenity]

Siraim and Jeff really said all I had wanted to say. It's always difficult to know what to say or do at times like these. You want to talk about it and show your grief and support but you also don't want to hurt them more.

I'm so sorry and your humor will be needed sooner than you think. Just be you, they love you for who you are.


<3

[ryudo]

I don't know how big your family is but I guess you might have to have the toughest audience yet and try and make her smile somehow or be that shoulder to cry on or both.

Not sure if I am helping or not ..this just is one of those things there is no manual on and I wish there was.


You have my best wishes.

Jeff said it best I guess.

[skin87]

siraim definitely is giving you the right advice. I'm in nursing school right now, so I've dealt with this a bit, and I have been given a lot of advice on how to deal with it. All you can do is be there for them. Let them know that anything they need out of you, you can do, but say nothing else unless they ask you to say something. If they want advice on how to deal with it, they will ask, and if they do just give them your honest thoughts. Anything you do say, no matter what the intention is, can come off as insensitive. They're the ones dealing with, so even though you are affected as well, your sorrow does not match theirs. Even if they are really religious, don't say the whole God needed another angel or the baby is in heaven stuff. An event like this can make even the most devout followers of a religion to temporarily be angry at god, or even question their faith.

Another good way to support them is to offer help with funeral arrangements, informing other people, taking care of their kids, or any other logistical task that needs to be done. They have so much emotion to deal with that they may forget to start planning logistical issues, and when the time comes they may not know where to start, or may just be too spent to deal with them. It may sound a little insensitive, but offering support in these areas end up being a big help. Your humor will be comforting sooner than you think, you'll be able to tell when it is time.

It will be an awkward and depressing situation, but all you need is to physically be there for them and make it known that they can come to you for anything. You don't need to feel strong for them either, don't hide any emotions your feelings.

I'm sorry that you have to face this problem, it's never easy but I'm sure whatever you can do for them they will find comfort in. I hope you can all get through this together :-(