No babies for us

[AriaStar]

We took a look at our finances much closer, budgeted out the rest of the year, and if we were to scrimp and save every spare penny and forgo ALL optional things, such as any activity that wasn't 100% free, trips to the beach (even though it's about half an hour away, there's the cost of gas), etc., we're looking at it being years before we have enough money. With my family medical history, I don't have that long to have children. So it looks like no children for us. It's upsetting that it would cost us so much money to to what so many others can do for free (make baby). We would be good parents, I know that. But instead the children we'll get to raise are the children of others through tax dollars. This is upsetting and devastating.

We threw out the idea of setting up a fund online, one of those click-and-donate-via-Paypal things, but that's kind of the equivalent to internet-panhandling, is it not? Looked down on? I don't know, just grasping at straws as the chance to have a family never really existed. We just thought it did and are facing reality now.

So yeah, it doesn't look like it can really happen. Not for lack of desire, but lack of money to make it happen.

[masherscf]

So yeah, it doesn't look like it can really happen. Not for lack of desire, but lack of money to make it happen.

I seem to remember having the same thoughts right before my wife got pregnant the first time. I figured if we waited until we had enough money, we'd never do it.

However, when it comes to having kids the money is secondary. Unlike marriage itself, adding to your family is a huge life-altering decision. You and Cody have barely started living a life together. You should take some time to just be with each other for awhile. My wife and I has known each other for over ten-years before we even started trying to have kids. The parameters of a long term relationship takes time to sort themselves out. Give yourselves some time before you make the kid decision. As long as you two have the same expectations up front, it will all work out.

With Xander's impeding diagnosis of PDD-NOS, Sabrina and I have recently decided that the likelihood of us being able to have another child is slim, even if we had more room. The prospect of raising a third child on the Autism spectrum is too much for us to contemplate. I suppose we should be happy with the two we have, but we always saw three in out future. So, the realization was a sad one.

Good luck, and don't count yourself out yet.

[Bohemian_Beauty]

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. I strongly suggest that you put up a donate fund. I would donate extra money any time I had the chance. I'm sure others feel the same. Before you know it, your dream will become a reality.

It couldn't hurt.

Honestly. What's $20 here and there? Nothing for many of us, but it would help toward something life changing for the two of you.

[rabidbadger]

bobe, you is sweet, I would help too. In a heartbeat.

[AriaStar]

I seem to remember having the same thoughts right before my wife got pregnant the first time. I figured if we waited until we had enough money, we'd never do it.

However, when it comes to having kids the money is secondary. Unlike marriage itself, adding to your family is a huge life-altering decision. You and Cody have barely started living a life together. You should take some time to just be with each other for awhile. My wife and I has known each other for over ten-years before we even started trying to have kids. The parameters of a long term relationship takes time to sort themselves out. Give yourselves some time before you make the kid decision. As long as you two have the same expectations up front, it will all work out.

With Xander's impeding diagnosis of PDD-NOS, Sabrina and I have recently decided that the likelihood of us being able to have another child is slim, even if we had more room. The prospect of raising a third child on the Autism spectrum is too much for us to contemplate. I suppose we should be happy with the two we have, but we always saw three in out future. So, the realization was a sad one.

Good luck, and don't count yourself out yet.

Oh no no no, we can't just has sex-boom-baby. I have a strong family history of endometeosis leading to hysterectomies YOUNG. My mom was 28, her mother was 31, and her mother was 32, and various aunts and other female relatives. I've already lost my left ovary. So I am very likely will NOT have the full range of years most women have.

I'm already down one ovary and the fallopian tube to the other is completely blocked. We have to use IVF, in vitro fertilization. Base cost of $10,500 plus "up to" $2,100 more for medications. This is due in full before it even starts.

And if you say anything about adoption, I will put you on my block list, seriously. I'm tired of hearing "there's always adoption." No, there's not. If we can't afford IVF, we can't afford the $50+ of adoptions. Not to mention federal law allows the bio-parents to take the child back for any reason or no reason at all for six months, and after that they can petition and usually will get the child. I broke contact with an old friend of mine after finding out she petitioned for and got back her bio-son after SIX YEARS because her husband wanted a son and they'd only had two daughters. I couldn't give back a child. Doesn't help I was denied once anyway when a wealthy ex and I tried. I was too big of a risk due to having been so severely sick when I was 19-23 after being hit by a car. If we could afford it, and the child wouldn't be taken away and my medical history wasn't a bar, then yes, we'd look into adoption.

So the money reference is to us not being able to afford to conceive to begin with. We could raise a child, could definitely afford that. We just can't afford the cost of making that child. We'd already picked out names.

[AriaStar]

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. I strongly suggest that you put up a donate fund. I would donate extra money any time I had the chance. I'm sure others feel the same. Before you know it, your dream will become a reality.

It couldn't hurt.

Honestly. What's $20 here and there? Nothing for many of us, but it would help toward something life changing for the two of you.

I was raised that it's my responsibility to fund my choices, but there's part of me that's saying that what happened to my body wasn't my choice.

Know what's really fucked? My tubes weren't blocked before I was hit by a car. I was a pedestrian, he ran a red. The trauma to my internal organs and intestinal holes and everything else caused scar tissue to develop. I was entitled to only $20k (minus attorney fees) for pain and suffering for four years in the hospital and brain damage and loss of fertility, much which went to paying off medical bills that ended up over half a million dollars.

I don't know if it would be right to expect others to help pay for what we want, and isn't setting up a fund kind of like saying there's an expectation? I don't know, I'll talk to Cody more when he gets home from work. I feel immensely guilty that he's just 25 and has to deal with this. It's my body, and he has to deal with it. It's not fair.

March 15th was the ninth anniversary of the day I miscarried the baby I was pregnant with before that car hit me. That makes it worse.

[AriaStar]

bobe, you is sweet, I would help too. In a heartbeat.

You want that son who'd carry your name as his first middle name. :)

Kevin Joel Alexander
Logan Xavier

Charlotte Rose
Veronica Violet
Elizabeth Lily

[rabidbadger]

You want that son who'd carry your name as his first middle name. :)


I've already met him

[masherscf]

I'm already down one ovary and the fallopian tube to the other is completely blocked. We have to use IVF, in vitro fertilization. Base cost of $10,500 plus "up to" $2,100 more for medications. This is due in full before it even starts.[/COLOR]

I don't mean to minimize your challenges. I want to to know that you're not alone.

My family has similar issues. We call it, "The family curse." My father's sister had no options and did adopt, but I would not presume to suggest that to you.

My sisters have had HUGE fertility problems. They both have had multiple miscarriages. My younger sister needed massive fertility before being able to carry twin babies to term. But, her health care was paid by the Navy. She has never even thought of having more.

After several miscarriages of her own, my older sister was lucky enough to carry a baby to term without fertility therapy. She gave birth to a beautiful boy. However, on her second attempt she had a molar pregnancy that metastasizes into full-blown lung-cancer that nearly killed her. Instead, the medical bills and lost wages left her and her husband in near bankruptcy. Of course, she lost both ovaries and her uterus in the process.

I do understand what your going through. I hope things turn out for you. :)

[scoobydiesel]

wow bud...I dont have much to say that would really help, but you never know maybe something awesome will happen and you will find a way.

[AriaStar]

I've already met him

I told you about those overly-vivid dreams, didn't I? About that little girl? And how it took a couple weeks of crying while awake to get myself to be able to back out of the room and close the door so she'd stop invading my dreams?

[radzack]

sorry badger, you know I love you, but I get get over "bobe"

[rabidbadger]

huh? just typing bohemian beauty over and over is kinda long. heck you typed badger instead or rabidbadger, and most just call me badge. and we don't need no stinikin badges... :)

end derail...

[masherscf]

huh? just typing bohemian beauty over and over is kinda long. heck you typed badger instead or rabidbadger, and most just call me badge. and we don't need no stinikin badges... :)

end derail...

I like the abbreviation "B/B."

[rabidbadger]

ah, that's better.

[masherscf]

ah, that's better.

I don't know her well enough to start abbreviating. I'm old fashioned.

[dohko]

Oh God... I'm sort of speechless, but I have one advice to give you:

The last thing a person can lose is hope. Never give up, don't you dare say it's impossible because hope never dies. At least don't let it die.

My best wishes for you and your couple,
Dohko:)

[lordbyron]

People who don't have kids don't realize that the expenses of children go way beyond the costs of having the child born. Go to a store and price diapers, formula, clothes, ect. What I am trying to say is that you may raise the money to have all of the corrections so you can get pregnant but the expenses go way beyond that. There is always adoption in the future when you are more financially sound.

[lordbyron]

But I would pitch in for a good cause.

[masherscf]

People who don't have kids don't realize that the expenses of children go way beyond the costs of having the child born. Go to a store and price diapers, formula, clothes, ect. What I am trying to say is that you may raise the money to have all of the corrections so you can get pregnant but the expenses go way beyond that. There is always adoption in the future when you are more financially sound.

Oh god, I pray for potty training.

[rabidbadger]

Oh God... I'm sort of speechless, but I have one advice to give you:

The last thing a person can lose is hope. Never give up, don't you dare say it's impossible because hope never dies. At least don't let it die.

My best wishes for you and your couple,
Dohko:)

dude. you are my new best friend. haha. and the Townshend av don't hurt either. haha.

[phatlip12]

Aria, you can either listen to what I say or simply ignore the "stupid" 20 year old kid that doesn't know what he's talking about.

If it feels right I think you should go for it and trust that everything will work out ok. Both of you seem to have good jobs and seem as though you'll make great parents. I think you should just go for it. I know of single mothers that have DECENT jobs (nothing too spectacular) that are able to raise a child on their own (with no child support). You can make it happen, everything will work out.

[AriaStar]

People who don't have kids don't realize that the expenses of children go way beyond the costs of having the child born. Go to a store and price diapers, formula, clothes, ect. What I am trying to say is that you may raise the money to have all of the corrections so you can get pregnant but the expenses go way beyond that. There is always adoption in the future when you are more financially sound.

Um, we do realize it. This isn't some blind wish. Fuck, I even took and passed a CPS state-run parenting class and have been CPR certified (lapsed, will do it again and have Cody do it as well). We both know how much things are. We know it's nights of endless crying, being tired, the house getting to be a mess, less time for couple-time and sex.

NO, there is NOT always fucking adoption!! I'm sick and tired of people saying that. Do you have ANY IDEA how expensive it is? Easily $50k. Do you know that federal law allows the bioparents six months to change their minds and you are SOL, and that they can petition after that and usually win? Remember Baby Jessica? She was 2 and a half years old, adopted at birth, and her bio-parents won her back. An ex-friend of mine got her son back after six years because her new husband wanted a son. I met a woman two weeks ago who had to give back two children before finally going to Ethiopia, and she said the cost of foreign adoption was almost as much as the two domestic ones put together. I couldn't give a child back. And an wealthy ex and I tried anyway and I was denied because of my medical history after being hit by that car.

We have stability. We just don't make enough to set aside $13,000 in any reasonable time, and with my body and medical history, we'll be lucky if I have another year and a half. So we are racing a clock.

FWIW, our bills are things like rent, internet, and utilities. Debt is the car Cody got last year and a credit card with a low limit that will be paid off in two more months. And I have no personal debt (we consider any of it to be ours since we're in this together) at all. So it's not like all our money is going to debt.

[AriaStar]

Aria, you can either listen to what I say or simply ignore the "stupid" 20 year old kid that doesn't know what he's talking about.

If it feels right I think you should go for it and trust that everything will work out ok. Both of you seem to have good jobs and seem as though you'll make great parents. I think you should just go for it. I know of single mothers that have DECENT jobs (nothing too spectacular) that are able to raise a child on their own (with no child support). You can make it happen, everything will work out.

Kyle, it has nothing to do with just having one and everything to do with $13,000 cash upfront needed for in vitro. And the realization that it will take far longer than we can count on having.

[lordbyron]

Oh god, I pray for potty training.

I aways referred to it as diaper poor....

[lordbyron]

Um, we do realize it. This isn't some blind wish. Fuck, I even took and passed a CPS state-run parenting class and have been CPR certified (lapsed, will do it again and have Cody do it as well). We both know how much things are. We know it's nights of endless crying, being tired, the house getting to be a mess, less time for couple-time and sex.

NO, there is NOT always fucking adoption!! I'm sick and tired of people saying that. Do you have ANY IDEA how expensive it is? Easily $50k. Do you know that federal law allows the bioparents six months to change their minds and you are SOL, and that they can petition after that and usually win? Remember Baby Jessica? She was 2 and a half years old, adopted at birth, and her bio-parents won her back. An ex-friend of mine got her son back after six years because her new husband wanted a son. I met a woman two weeks ago who had to give back two children before finally going to Ethiopia, and she said the cost of foreign adoption was almost as much as the two domestic ones put together. I couldn't give a child back. And an wealthy ex and I tried anyway and I was denied because of my medical history after being hit by that car.

We have stability. We just don't make enough to set aside $13,000 in any reasonable time, and with my body and medical history, we'll be lucky if I have another year and a half. So we are racing a clock.

FWIW, our bills are things like rent, internet, and utilities. Debt is the car Cody got last year and a credit card with a low limit that will be paid off in two more months. And I have no personal debt (we consider any of it to be ours since we're in this together) at all. So it's not like all our money is going to debt.

All I was simply trying to say is once you do get enough money to correct your situation its not like it would be a downhill run financially from there. My business partner just(last November) adopted from China and it was $30K total. I never lead on like I knew you financial situation, a lot of people who don't have kids do not realize how expensive they are. I read somewhere that from birth to 18 with no extras, just food, basic clothes, ect.(not spoiled rotten like mine) it costs almost $300k. Not taking into account the extra utilities, electric, bigger living arrangements ect. They will be the most expensive investment you will make in your life. But it is well worth it!!

BTW How the hell was I suppose to know you were, "NO, there is NOT always fucking adoption!! I'm sick and tired of people saying that." If you put you life / problems on a forum people will respond to you and you had better be ready for someone saying something you don't want to hear.

With responses like that you sure want to make people help you out after you bash the fuck out of them for making a comment!

[AriaStar]

All I was simply trying to say is once you do get enough money to correct your situation its not like it would be a downhill run financially from there. My business partner just(last November) adopted from China and it was $30K total. I never lead on like I knew you financial situation, a lot of people who don't have kids do not realize how expensive they are. I read somewhere that from birth to 18 with no extras, just food, basic clothes, ect.(not spoiled rotten like mine) it costs almost $300k. Not taking into account the extra utilities, electric, bigger living arrangements ect. They will be the most expensive investment you will make in your life. But it is well worth it!!

BTW How the hell was I suppose to know you were, "NO, there is NOT always fucking adoption!! I'm sick and tired of people saying that." If you put you life / problems on a forum people will respond to you and you had better be ready for someone saying something you don't want to hear.

With responses like that you sure want to make people help you out after you bash the fuck out of them for making a comment!

We hear it all the time about just adopting. Before you replied, someone else mentioned it already and I already addressed it, that that isn't an option. So you weren't the first person even in this thread to mention it. I'm also tired of hearing how selfish it is to want to do IVF instead of "just sav[ing] up the extra" to adopt because it's "not that far of a stretch" and there are "already too many kids in this world." Every damned day I hear that. It wears you down after a while, you know?

The foreign adoption fees are less in USD than domestic, but the time taken off from work, the travel expenses (more than once), cost of staying there the required length of time, and so on add up and in the end make it far more than domestic. I know a lot of adoptive parents don't count that as part of the expense so much, just mentioning the adoption fees.

So I'm sorry if you feel I was personally attacking you, but I'm just tired of hearing it over and over again to just adopt.

[techliveadmin]

I've sent u a pm aria.