WHY do they do this?

[MetallicNitro]

*Edit*: I didn't want to divulge too many details because a friend of mine might read this. So dude, if you do happen to stumble upon this please don't say anything. I don't know if you post or even read the forums. Please don't tell either one of the girls, I don't want to get attacked by either one.

OK this is my rant and I need to blow off some steam:

My BFF is obsessing over a coworker of hers. They are all flirty and what not. They've seen each other changing and apparently there has also been a lot of hugging. I don't mind that she is getting attention. What does annoy me is that she knows he is in a relationship. She told me that she is going after what she wants. For once, I can't support what she is doing. I think it is wrong for him to be doing what he is doing.

I think he is a complete douchebag for doing this. I also think she is pretty messed up to be willing to break up a relationship for her own needs. He just got back together with his ex recently so I don't know if that would affect your opinion. I just don't like guys who aren't honest. I don't see any good excuse to do what he is doing with someone, if things aren't going so great in the current relationship. Is this situation OK on any level?

Then again, I haven't forgiven my dad for cheating on my mom 15 years ago. Also for those of you that know me from Scopetech, yes, it is the same girl from "So there's this girl" from way back when.

[scoobydiesel]

I hate cheaters. Its a very ut oh topic for sure,

[AriaStar]

On NO level is this okay. If the guy's girlfriend think they're exclusive because he's leading her to believe it, then absolutely not, but any stretch of the imagination. He's a douche, and your friend is getting a rush out of getting what she's not supposed to have, and her willingness to hurt someone else for her own thrill marks her as a bitch. I've never put up with a friend of mine cheating, and I've never put up with a friend of mine trying to break up a relationship for the friend's own desires. I've been cheated on, by more than one ex (all but one of my exes have cheated, one even impregnating someone else), and absolutely will not condone cheating.

Your friend would do well to remember that he he's willing to cheat WITH her, he will be willing to cheat ON her.

[Rokov]

I despise both cheaters and those with whom they cheat, so they're both completely in the wrong, IMO.

[bigshotprof]

On the question: Why do they do this?

There is concept called "social exchange theory." Here is the simple version. People don't stay with other people because they match the assets to the losses and see which wins. They match the assets and losses of one relationship against the assets and losses of a potential other relationship and choose between (among) them.

People in the situation you describe get to compare a mythical and ideal relationship to all of the warts and aggravations of a real one. They even get the distance of being able to rationalize that they aren't in a "relationship" so there is no cheating and no harm. At some point, some "accident of fate" (usually involving alcohol) will push them together, and they will "give in to forces beyond their control."

You don't really have many options except to wonder aloud why he broke up with is "Ex" in the first place and how that person is fairing right now. (Your friend might just be his latest "vacation.")

My question to you is: Do you work in a theme park? How did they "see each other changing?"

[MetallicNitro]

OK, I had add a note to my first post in case one of my friends does read this, anyway...

They work in a vet clinic, that is how they have seen each other. Her argument was that she doesn't know the other girl and doesn't owe her anything. She also needs to go after what she wants to be happy for once. Her coworker also told her to take what she wants, her coworker knows him pretty well too. I want to kick that coworker in the vagina... :mad:. She was told if she flirts enough and he is feeling it that he will flock to her and "if he doesn't then whatever".

She is making every excuse possible to make this seem OK, such as us not knowing if the other girl has cheated on him or that she heard someone can start to like someone else while they are in a relationship. She also said that she just can't back off because she is too far deep into it.

This is also the 2nd instance of her being attracted to someone in a relationship. To me it is the exact same situation. She claims it is very different, it might be, I don't know, but she only mentioned that this time it is different because she managed to confront the guy instead of letting him get away... She was hurt a great deal last time and I don't want her going through this again.

[tokenuser]

If its a short term relationship thing, then I can't see a problem with it. Its a jungle out there. Stay out for the way, and if this is just a BFF (BTW - Men and Women can never be "just friends" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_Harry_Met_Sally...)), be around to pick up the pieces.

If its a long term relationship that is wanted ... then does she really want to be with someone that will jump ship if they are flirted with? If he would cheat on and dump his GF (you say "ex" ... so that could be on/off again relationship) for your friend, how is she going to feel when he does the same to her?

Hate to say it - but this is really none of your business. Step aside and let her make her mistakes. If it is really that YOU want more out of the friendship than she is willing to give (and you might be mistaking being protective for actual deeper feelings), then man up, and pursue her.

[MetallicNitro]

If its a short term relationship thing, then I can't see a problem with it. Its a jungle out there. Stay out for the way, and if this is just a BFF (BTW - Men and Women can never be "just friends" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_Harry_Met_Sally...)), be around to pick up the pieces.

If its a long term relationship that is wanted ... then does she really want to be with someone that will jump ship if they are flirted with? If he would cheat on and dump his GF (you say "ex" ... so that could be on/off again relationship) for your friend, how is she going to feel when he does the same to her?

Hate to say it - but this is really none of your business. Step aside and let her make her mistakes. If it is really that YOU want more out of the friendship than she is willing to give (and you might be mistaking being protective for actual deeper feelings), then man up, and pursue her.

I disagree, I think men and women can just be friends. Also, Phatty and KentGoldings, and Sammy will definitely tell you about my past with her. There were deeper feelings in the past. I know it isn't really any of my business. I just don't want to see her getting hurt again. After a while, though, it does get a little tiresome picking up the pieces, especially if you don't know if they will be around to help you out when you may need it.

[tokenuser]

I was "there" as well (Scopetech), and suspected this was the same girl.
I know the history.

You are being overprotective. Let it go. Remind her that if things go wrong in the relationship (and indications based on HIS willingness to cheat are that they will) she needs to work with the guy. Ask her if she would be willing to quit that job if she had to get away from him.

She will find her own way wrt relationships. Just be a friend, don't be Dr Phil.

[MetallicNitro]

I was "there" as well (Scopetech), and suspected this was the same girl.
I know the history.

You are being overprotective. Let it go. Remind her that if things go wrong in the relationship (and indications based on HIS willingness to cheat are that they will) she needs to work with the guy. Ask her if she would be willing to quit that job if she had to get away from him.

She will find her own way wrt relationships. Just be a friend, don't be Dr Phil.

Yeah, I remember you being there now. I know I have to step off for sure. Let her learn things on her own. I've always been a believer that life is one big learning experience. However, I just can't help but want to protect the people I care about. I also can't help but wonder why she would put herself through this situation.

Also, I will NEVER be Dr. Phil :p

[skyz]

I disagree, I think men and women can just be friends. Also, Phatty and KentGoldings, and Sammy will definitely tell you about my past with her. There were deeper feelings in the past. I know it isn't really any of my business. I just don't want to see her getting hurt again. After a while, though, it does get a little tiresome picking up the pieces, especially if you don't know if they will be around to help you out when you may need it.

she might like getting hurt there is definite element of masochism in always being the other woman

women who go after 'unavailable men' tend to have self esteem issues

they think they aren't really worthy of man's total devotion

these painful feelings (which often stem from childhood trauma) can be somewhat assuaged temporarily by the illusion of he likes me better than her'

a man who cheats isn't worth having

he does not respect women he does not respect either woman

if i were her friend i would tell her that (i can be very blunt) and i would also tell her 'i don't want to hear the details' and refuse to discuss him with her

[tokenuser]

Yeah, I remember you being there now. I know I have to step off for sure. Let her learn things on her own. I've always been a believer that life is one big learning experience. However, I just can't help but want to protect the people I care about. I also can't help but wonder why she would put herself through this situation.

Also, I will NEVER be Dr. Phil :pMy sister got into a bad relationship once. She even lived with the guy for awhile. We saw all the signs that the guy was an ass, but she wouldn't listen - and we were family. She said that we were biased because we didn't like the guy. Well duh. We didn't like the guy because he was an ass ... but she needed to find that out for herself.

Luckily she didn't get a joint bank account (like she wanted to), but she did co-sign on a loan for a SUV.

So, we sat back and waited for it to fail ... ready to catch the pieces. Fail it did, in a rather large way that ended in court. She was fortunate to keep all payment receipts (she is anal like that), and the guy was ordered to pay her money owed for the payments she had made on the car to stop her credit from being destroyed. He sold the car, and she got her money back.

Anyway - flirting is OK, but in a work environment, it is a fine line between flirting and sexual harrassment, esp if he is in a position of authority over her. Even if it doesn't come to that, a vet office is not a large environment, and when this fails (like you predict) it will be messy.

[MetallicNitro]

she might like getting hurt there is definite element of masochism in always being the other woman

women who go after 'unavailable men' tend to have self esteem issues

they think they aren't really worthy of man's total devotion

these painful feelings (which often stem from childhood trauma) can be somewhat assuaged temporarily by the illusion of he likes me better than her'

a man who cheats isn't worth having

he does not respect women he does not respect either woman

if i were her friend i would tell her that (i can be very blunt) and i would also tell her 'i don't want to hear the details' and refuse to discuss him with her



She does have a low self-esteem. She is very unhappy with her body image. I would think she wold want to avoid getting hurt. Her parents split when she was quite young. I met him once when he would keep in touch with them. She hasn't heard from him in years though.

[skyz]

She does have a low self-esteem. She is very unhappy with her body image. I would think she wold want to avoid getting hurt. Her parents split when she was quite young. I met him once when he would keep in touch with them. She hasn't heard from him in years though.


she needs therapy

she is wounded by her male parent's rejection

a woman who goes after unavailable men almost always had an unavailable father

you should refuse imho to discuss this particular cheap thrill but be very willing to discuss the deeper issue of what she really wants

doesn't she want a love of her own a home maybe children

why is she willing to settle for the crumbs of someone else's cake ?

this particular situation is not the issue it is a distraction from the deeper issues

all women even the truly beautiful hve body image issues due to the over overabundance of photo shopped images fed to us

i have seen famous models up close and yes they are gorgeous but no they don't walk down the street looking like they do on magazine covers

[MetallicNitro]

We went to visit our friend in the hospital and the topic came up (she brought it up). She really came off as a bitch today and it scared me. Anyway, I just wrote her a message saying that I love her dearly and I still consider her to be my best friend. I just cannot deal with the situation and that I wold prefer to not talk about it because it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I hope she reads it the right way :(.

Goodnight guys and THANK YOU so much for your input. I really do appreciate it.

[skyz]

We went to visit our friend in the hospital and the topic came up (she brought it up). She really came off as a bitch today and it scared me. Anyway, I just wrote her a message saying that I love her dearly and I still consider her to be my best friend. I just cannot deal with the situation and that I wold prefer to not talk about it because it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I hope she reads it the right way :(.

Goodnight guys and THANK YOU so much for your input. I really do appreciate it.

well done !

if she brings it up again or tries to argue just repeat your essential point and even say it is one of your new year's resolution to avoid negative dramas or something like that

[tokenuser]

I hope she reads it the right way :(.Well done. Appropriate response. Be prepared for backlash though. Women seem to bear grudges longer than men. Take any negativity with a grain of salt and change the subject.

[MetallicNitro]

Well done. Appropriate response. Be prepared for backlash though. Women seem to bear grudges longer than men. Take any negativity with a grain of salt and change the subject.

I wish I had read this earlier, it would have helped :(. She seemed disappointed and kind of angry in her response. I hope things smooth over :(.