Submit!!

[instmsgrs]

Hey guys! Hope you dig the show! If you'd like to see your Instant Message conversations or favorite online findings get dramatized into an episode, send it to us!

You can submit on our website inst-msgs.com, email us at instmsgs@gmail.com or you can copy/paste links, right here in this thread!

We need you internet!

[annle]

A new friend sent this in. Anyone seen this site before?:

http://www.burbia.com/epic-neighbor-lawn-chair-war

[cokecan4]

http://fargo.craigslist.org/mis/1474465927.html

if you care not to open...
New Moon midnight showing - m4w - 27 (Fargo, ND)
i sat behind you at he midnight showing of New Moon last night. Me: medium height, dark hair, long nails, mysterious. You: straight long blond hair, full ruby lips, you were wearing black cargo pants and a twilight hoodie. as your hair draped down behind your seat i just has to hold it and smell it deeply(pantene. great choice). i dont remember much ov the movie but i will always remember the smell and texture of your hair. the way you sound when you whisper and laugh. after the movie i followed you and your friend to perkin's. i waited outside in my car so i could watch you eat and smile. i followed you home and made sure you got there safely.i noticed you left you car unlocked so i went to have a look into your life. i can tell by looking in your car that we have a lot in common. if you want your dash ornaments back you will have to meet me and we can have a great time getting to know each other. "grin"

[instmsgrs]

We're dying over all the New Moon sh*t. Found this one too on Missed Connections Philly:

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/mis/1477596682.html

I sat next to you in the movie thursday night at midnight. I wanted you to touch me some more it was erotic.I know this is a long shot but I want to try. You told me not to put the arm rest down remember. I want you bad. Email me.

[annle]

Thanks, Wesley for sending this in:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg-heCy0CbQ

[annle]

Thanks Ana Maria.

A tweet from her friend:

"FEMALE" "Co-worker, believing I got him sick, said he cursed my name in his sleep last night. Apparently, his girlfriend didn't find it too amusing."

[annle]

Thanks, Jay for submitting:

Hello My Name Is Sexual Addiction
Reply to: pers-bdgaz-1210457498@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-06-07, 6:30PM

I will be your new best friend. I am the jealous type. I will push away other friends, family, wives, husbands, girlfriends, co-workers, sense of
loyalty, professional goals and hobbies. I will envelop you until you exist only
to feed my appetite.
I’ll have you slipping into behaviors you will hardly believe or chat about with
loved ones over your coffee and egg breakfasts…
The previous night’s activities will haunt you through the week…
I will make you do things that make you question who you really are.
I will show you what being lost inside yourself really feels like.
I will reward you with pleasures beyond anything you ever imagined. Because you will mingle with others just like you. You will all become brothers, sisters and cousins in this family of perversion.
In time you will become as sexually skilled
as they. Stable minded, happy, even some married individuals will be no match for
your capabilities in the bedroom. You will become the seducer. You will destroy
relationships.
You will bend minds around your sex.
You will smother your emotional guilt with physical pleasure. And you will never
see what a painfully endless contradiction this is.
You will try to silence your screams of emptiness with moans of orgasm after orgasm. Yours, hers, his, theirs,
it’s. Cries of ecstasy will hide your tears of loneliness.
Climaxes will become uncontrollable churchlike confessions. You will suffer from fits of naked
post-coital honesty; but only for a few minutes after…
Your masturbation of denial will be legendary.
I will make you truly understand the need for weekly support meetings.
As you slip into deeper rings of my perversion others who have known you for
years will take notice of your transformation. Some will be repulsed by the
change and will cower away. Others will try and pull you away from me. But
some...will lust for you. Ignoring themselves, their vows, and their integrity.
You will make them stray.
You will sleep with dozens, hundreds, maybe thousands and always be hungry.
There will be no bottom to your pit.
And no matter how bad I treat you there will always be an unbreakable bond
between us.
You will love me endless.

[annle]

Thanks for the find, Albert!


Subject: Craigslist Personals: To The Woman Who Crapped In My Car
Message: The original craigslist posting has been taken down.

http://www.seventeenspoons.com/2009/01/craigslist-to-woman-who-crapped-in-my.html

RE: To the woman that crapped in my car. (NE Portland)

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace=2 0where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché.

[instmsgrs]

From Francisco. Thanks for feeling inspired to do some digging for us!

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/nsd/mis/1484659067.html

-------

I'll not slumber til you're here - m4w

Date: 2009-11-27, 5:28PM PST

Don’t make me go away..

Welcome me back into your life.. the heart screams it’s so tight.. Drape your beautiful long black hair on my face making love to me tonight.. the heart screams for your site.. Kiss me with those luscious lips soft and heard while looking into my blue eyes.. the heart screams will you tonight.. Drive me to pleasure within your swollen flower in love.. the heart screams make me cum.. Kiss me my darling way deep into the night.. the heart screams with delight.. You can feel me all day long we are connected it wont be long.. the heart screams she needs me right… Put our passion first our love up front throw that pride way aside.. the heart scream please be alright… let our bodies stop aching inside let me caress you though the night.. the heart screams let there not be pride… hear you snore in my ear I’ll never care because you are near.. the heart screams we are wasting time… Hear in my voice believe it is true never anyone else it has always been you.. the heart screams with only the truth… You can be happy with me you know that you can I am the one I am your man.. the heart screams without deception.. Come visit with me not in a dream I need you girl constantly.. the heart screams these words of my love… You have more left you are strong lay with me now we are not yet done… the heart screams eternity is ours.. Grab me now hold on to me tight with strength and love we’ll make it all right.. the heart screams please tonight.. I love you now I loved you then I’ll love you for ever it will never end.. the heart screams to leave strong impressions.. You are my soul mate and I am yours you know this is fact one call I’m at your door… My heart screams with all my intentions..

You are the flower, you are my light, your long hair on my shoulders in bed with me tonight.. the smell of our love, sent in the air, pleasing each other, with nothing but care.. kissing salt from your skin, sweet sweat from our love, spending all of our energy’s, with gods blessing above.. I have held back my feelings, some may have slipped, but please say you want me, if we are connected, I am sure that I’m missed.. I cast this out, to you on spiritual plains, they will land on you swiftly, make a move now today.. I haven’t left, or I haven’t moved on, but that day is coming, I’ll pack my bags to move on.. not to be mean or hatful in anyway, I hope the distance will remind fondness and you won’t accept me being away…

Read it, feel it, we are living it, do you really want it this way?


PostingID: 1484659067

[instmsgrs]

Miguel! We're not sure if you wrote this or if this was a forwarded email?! Thanks for submitting!

55 Things to do During Finals
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say ``Oh geez, better get cracking'' and do some gibberish work.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming ``Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!''
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the surface integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, ``I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.'' Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, ``I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?''
8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say ``They've found me, I have to leave the country'' and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out ``Merry Christmas.'' If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat the process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up. For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc.)
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out ``Fuck this!'' and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (e.g. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to get drunk.)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means that at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him in a very derogatory tone, ``The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!''
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling ``I'm here, the phantom of the opera'' until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for you right to take the exam.
31. Bring a water pistol with you. 'Nuff said.
32. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise your're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment ``Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.''
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Do the exam on your laptop. Make sure the simulated keyboard noises are on.
44. Play frisbee with a friend on the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Start with your calculator, move on to your desk, your chair, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say ``it helps me think.'' Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase ``Told you so.''
50. Answer the exam with the ``Top Ten Reasons Why Professor Sussman Sucks.''
51. Every three minutes make sounds like a duck. When the instructor asks why you did it, say that you didn’t do anything.
52. Take off the first sheet of the exam and staple it to one thousand digits of pi. Turn it in saying that you used long division to get it.
53. Bring some squishy food in with you and 10 minutes after starting throw some at the instructor. Then run out of the room screaming, “Food fight in room __!”
54. Come in with a baseball mit and glove and after starting say “Play ball!”. Then throw a baseball at the window.
55. Answer every question as if it were a trick question. For example: Bob lives 2 miles away from Sally. They both drive towards each other at about 30 miles per hour. At what time will they meet? Depnding on the traffic, no one knows.
56. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute)
57. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
58. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.

[instmsgrs]

Who doesn't love urinal rants? Thanks, Marco!


http://www.buzzfeed.com/yacomink/to-the-guy-at-the-other-urinal

[instmsgrs]

You're filthy, Albert! And thank you!

http://www.seventeenspoons.com/2009/01/craigslist-to-woman-who-crapped-in-my.html

RE: To the woman that crapped in my car. (NE Portland)

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace=2 0where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché.

[annle]

Thanks Ryan for the lead.

http://heyahole.com/

fall leaf tourists

I understand that you came to vermont to look at all the pretty leaves because you live in a burnt out industrial wasteland in jersey, but please either pull over or go faster than 4 mph when driving around videotaping leaves, because i have fucking shit to do. PS LEAVES DONT MOVE OR DO ANYTHING WHY WOULD YOU VIDEO TAPE THEM JUST GET A CAMERA

[annle]

Thanks, Rudi and your mom, for this submission:

http://www.seuss.org/seuss/seuss.sttng.html

[annle]

Thanks, Aaron!
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1386329514.html

I see you, cute hipster girls of Austin. I see you rocking that Deep V wheelset at the Thursday night social ride, or writing the next great American collection of poems at the corner table at Quack's, or browsing the Mamet archives at the Harry Ransom Center, or listening to the XX on your iPod at a bus stop because the Dirty Projectors are so two months ago. I see you with your wisely chosen and very artful and very sexy tattoos, your carefully-but-not-too-carefully maintained hair, perhaps with highlights of an unusual, biologically impossible color. I see you with your impeccably snazzy clothes, no doubt skillfully curated from countless Cream Vintage visits.

And I just want all of you to know: you are all very hot. Every Pitchfork-reading, farmer's-market-shopping, liberal-arts-college-educated inch of you.

I know I can never be with you, cute hipster girl. My bicycle has not only brakes, but multiple gears. It is, in fact, a hybrid, the fanny pack of the bicycle world. I am entirely free of tattoos. My facial hair is patchy at best, so I am unable to grow a beard. I live west of I-35. I am not a member of a lo-fi shoegaze indie pop band that sometimes gigs at Progress Coffee, and indeed I can't play any musical instruments. I can't even play the ukulele, the fanny pack of the indie rock world. I find Wes Anderson somewhat tedious, and I have not read a single issue of McSweeney's in anything even vaguely resembling its entirety. My jeans do not hug my legs, and I do not have a single stylishly retro vest or hat in my closet. I rarely listen to KUT or KVRX. Although I own a Moleskine, I have to be honest with you � I don't really write in it that much. I went to the Chuck Close show at the Austin Museum of Art and I'm pretty sure I didn't get it. I shop at HEB and not Wheatsville.

My appreciation of Hall and Oates is entirely non-ironic. I occasionally eat meat.

But the biggest problem, hipster girl of Austin, is that you're just too intimidating in your good taste and vaguely-counterculture-but-not-threateningly-eccentric hotness for me to ever work up the pluck to talk to you. I know I will never be cool enough. Le sigh.

But that's okay. You still brighten my vinyl happy hours at Waterloo Records and my Shangri-La visits. Thank you, hipster girl. You rock my world, and you make it look so easy. Carry on with your Bianchi Pista self.

[annle]

Thanks, Kyle. Great blog:

http://kaiimpossible.blogspot.com/

[annle]

From Christy Hurlburt in SF:

http://twitter.com/SustainableTips

[annle]

Kara, of Thanksgiving letter fame, informed us of this blog she loves:

http://www.teawithlemon.blogspot.com/

[instmsgrs]

Thanks, Jim. Here's another aggregate site for you kiddies:

http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/i_think_somebodys_developing_a.php

[instmsgrs]

Check out your brilliance internet at our re-fitted blog
http://www.inst-msgs.com/blog/

Keep those submissions coming!

[poop]

This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper in Georgia


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. AT&T just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat - I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[instmsgrs]

This was sent to us ages ago and was just reminded of it again. Check it out on Urlesque:

http://www.urlesque.com/2008/11/07/broke-man-tries-paying-bill-with-a-picture-of-a-spider/

Man tries to pay bill with a spider picture.

[instmsgrs]

This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper in Georgia


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. AT&T just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat - I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

We heart you, Poop. So great!

[instmsgrs]

Your Name: XXX
Your Email: XXX
Subject: Hippies
Message: A great, weird blog post that was written a couple of years ago about owning your own personal hippie.

http://vintagecaveman.com/2008/02/27/free-write-2-balance-the-universe-buy-a-hippy/

[instmsgrs]

Thanks, Kate-Madonna!

Your Name: Kate-Madonna
Your Email:
Subject: Six Felonies Later...
Message:

Met a guy. He came and volunteered at an event we had, then back to our celebration party. Well? Turns out homeboy had about 7 felonies. We drank with an escaped convict.
No joke.
I made out with an escaped convict.

...So that's good, right?

[rylab]

http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/20/power-glove-me.jpg

[instmsgrs]

http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/20/power-glove-me.jpg

Thanks, Rylab!
My favorite is that it says, "no nerds." Were they looking for cheerleaders?!?!...Ok, probably.

This would make a nice book-end piece to Gamer from Digital Date.

[instmsgrs]

Thanks, Ernesto. Had no idea that you could do a mw4mw.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1389161361.html

To the guy doing my wife at my house - mw4mw

Date: 2009-09-23, 2:40PM PDT

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry; I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentally challenged.

7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Sunset State Beach Camping on the 26th of September for two days; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

[instmsgrs]

Don't we all! Things haven't changed much, almost 6 years later.

Thanks, Zach, for this Craiglist find:

Best of Craiglist Chicago: Date: 2004-03-24, 4:38PM CST

I came to this company a couple of years ago, all eager to be a part of the "team", got a nice kick up from my last job and a cool office with a view of the river. Yeah, that was a good day, came into work with my picutres and shit, degrees, put them on the wall, called my secretary and....yup, she was hot. I was pumped. Not yet thirty, making bank and real people asking me my opinion about professional shit.

It's hard to mark the moment when this turned into a living hell. It was pretty gradual, though I would have to say last labor day was a turning point. I worked the whole weekend, putting shit together on a deal that had gone south but was being hopelessly backrigged to pass for done in hopes of saving a massive account that some management asshole had buggered beyond repair. I was on a conference call, with 1. A guy in the parking lot of a big ten stadium for a ball game, 2. a woman in colorado in a chalet taking a break from the slopes, 3. a guy on a sailboat going under the golden gate. I was the only one at work. And, big point here, I was not the one who fucked up the deal. He was in Bermuda, and couldn't be on the call because he was probably being rubbed down by cabana boys on the fucking company dime.

Since then, it's been "trending down". Instead of interesting, funny and brilliant team players, I see my coworkers as a pack of fuck-eyed ass monkeys trolling for bagels and a 90 minute lunch. They duck work like the Republican Guard around here. Instead of an inspired leadership, I see the managers as a boatload of cackling seagulls who smell of shit and are typically way too far above head to do anything useful, except maybe write a scathing memo once in a while. My office is the fucking Death Star. I can feel the life being sucked out of me, honestly. I think this is called burnout, but I can't be sure. I'm working too many hours to spend time researching what that means. If I start thinking about buying a gun, I'll look it up. In the meantime, somebody has to update the client while the ass monkeys all go to Nick and Tony's for the third time this week. My secretary likes me, but that's just bad. I desperately want to fuck her silly, but can't for more reasons than I can possibly think of. Top 2 - her boyfriend is LARGE, and my girlfriend is great. Every time she comes in my office to "talk", I fain total concentration on something else and tell her I'm busy.

I'm contemplating my escape. Frankly, I'd like to repel down the side of the building, hop into a speedboat and make-off with the bearer bonds like bruce fucking willis, but it's not likely. I could shop around, but really, the market is not right to get caught with your zipper down. I could be unemployed, which, well, would be bad.

So I have a few resolutions, we'll call them Sanity Savers, in the spirit of every dumbass HR presentation I ever had to sit through:

1. 40 hour weeks, starting now. Which means I got friday off, motherfuckers.

2. Casual attire. I'm sick of getting dressed for you fuckwads. I've got jeans too, you know. They're dirty, and I'll be wearing them tomorrow. That way, I can be the one who ducks the client every tuesday. Ha.

3. Long lunches. Next time the little flock off assholes heads off to Nick and Tony's, I'll be there already, tying one on at the bar. Oh yeah, lunch drinking is back!

4. Progress Reports. I'm going to start issuing less and less, until, eventually, nobody knows where the fuck anything is at. I'm also going to start writing really pointless, lengthy memos that I compose while shitfaced. You can anticipate lots of expletives.

5. Closed Door Policy. I'm sick of people poking their heads in my office "to say hi", so I'm closing the door permanently. I will then be much more able to look at porn, read CL and Friendster my ass into a whole new exsistence right here at my desk. Praise Jebus.

[instmsgrs]

Thanks for sending, Aaron!

Subject: Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady: The fridge doesn't come with a pedigree!
Message: Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady:

I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you've obviously become accustomed to.

Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:

1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you'll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was selling a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I selling a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap car don't get marked up.

2. What part of 'buyer must pick up' in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don't want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the hottest day of the year. No, I'm really really sure I don't want to do that. No, really. I'm sure.

3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 10:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It's a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don't have the fridge's family tree. For all I know the fridge's was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly's side porch. I don't know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few months ago, I used it for a couple of days, ok, I lied, I used it a whole week. The fact is, you're not buying a race horse, you're buying a used fridge.

4. No, I will not knock $10 bucks off the price of the fridge because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch from across my driveway. I'm not making judgements on you, but I'm pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn't send you across the country to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I'd wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you.

5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I'm absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear.

6. No, I don't have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it's cold. Eat or drink crap.

7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don't have any more fridges at that price. No, I don't know where you can get another fridge at that price. Yes, I know it's in great condition for the price, and I'm sure you'd like your other crazy-as-bat-shit-mini-fridge-
buying-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here's a thought, there's this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it's called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there's another mini-fridge being advertised there.

8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you've added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you.


Yours truly,

The mini-fridge seller



[instmsgrs]

Here's an IM for you:

J:

I think this "Situation" person is 61 years old


S:

The only thing on him that looks young is those abs. He's like a walking jib jab.

J:

I dont think I've got the energy to hook up like these jersey people. It takes so long, and they're up so late. Mama needs her rest.

S:

I don't think it's real. I think that ronnie juice is made up of the crazies. Keeps those kids, awake, offensive, and horny...real people drink water and shop for window treatments.

[instmsgrs]

Coming straight from Ryan Vance!

This is also an oldie but goodie:

new york craigslist > manhattan > rants & raves
woman seeking $500k+ earning man
________________________________________
Reply to: pers-4316xxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-04, 1:57PM EDT

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 – 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

________________________________________
[Posted Responses]

Advice for woman seeking $500k+ earning man

Dear Pers-4316xxxxx:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the perspective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.” I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

________________________________________

MORE advice for woman seeking $500k+ earning man

Dear Pers-4316xxxxx:

I also came across your posting with great interest. I am a 28 year old Wall Street trader who qualifies as an eligible suitor under your $500k/yr rule. In fact, I make over a million and can usher a woman into a comfortable, true middle class lifestyle (not like those 500k lower-middle class chumps who have to make do with the junior two-bedroom).

I am sympathetic to your goal in finding a rich man to marry. The milk needs to be sold by the expiration date. But since this is premium milk, why would you settle for less than premium prices? I would like to address some of the questions that were previously missed by the other gentleman and provide constructive advice on where to find your match.

I also do believe in the efficient market theory, and am surprised that $500k hasn’t found you yet. There are plenty of rich lawyers, investment bankers and hedgies to go around in this city. What gives? I think the problem might be that you have not been sufficiently focused in your search efforts.

The culprit, I believe, may be that you are also looking for qualities aside from money – such as looks, personality, and a sense of humor. However, men who have those qualities learn at an early age that they do not need money to attract quality women. As the saying goes, if you can get the milk for free, why pay up for the cow?

What you need to look for is someone who is long money, and short the other aspects. They are not easy to spot, since you are biologically wired to overlook and ignore them. However, the next time that you are at a expensive black tie event, and you are introduced to the short, bald, overweight man who fidgets nervously whilst making conversation with you, pay special attention to him.

Here’s an inspirational story for you. An acquaintance of mine who was also an classy and articulate woman as yourself was able to land that guy – who also happens to be one of the top ten guys at Google. This is the type of stuff that gold-digging moms read to their gold-digging daughters at bedtime. Perhaps you need to make a location change to Silicon Valley – miracles like these happen almost everyday in a land where you can randomly throw a rock and hit a rich nerd squarely in his Kim-jong Il glasses.

And as far as his deficiencies go, they turned out to be not so bad. With hundreds of millions in the bank, she’s been able to clean him up and give him a little sophistication. Think of it as a fixer-upper project with a massive budget (and yourself as a visionary real estate developer!). Although, I must warn you, it is a fine line you are flirting with – you must not overdo it lest he begins to attract younger women who are hotter than yourself. The trick is, you need build him up enough to be presentable, while simultaneously manipulate him into believing you are the best that he will ever do! That, botox and having kids will be your insurance against your depreciation (or as I prefer to use the term, milk going sour).

I wish the best of luck on your sales project. As for me, I am also available for a short-term lease. However, for marriage I wouldn’t consider a woman unless she can bring beauty, brains and self-motivation to the table. I do not want to dilute my gene pool and end up raising a bunch of Paris Hiltons.

[instmsgrs]

Thanks, Bruce for this Craigslist find:

24 hr Life Coach
Date: 2009-12-22, 4:03PM MST
Reply to: simplicity920@gmail.com [Errors when replying to ads?]

Young female student, in desperate need of 24 hr on call life coach.
Requirements include and may not be limited to help in these areas:
-encouraging a sober lifestyle
-dealin wit tha fellas
-in depth knowledge of the ute football program as well as mixed martial arts, exquisite if you are a muscle man
-willingness to wait patiently and be on call morning or night for weekly pregnancy test results, n i needa shoulder to cry on if positive
-must be available to attend annual Burning Man festival

[instmsgrs]

Will, thanks for submitting, but we just want to know if you actually took the test?!?!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/vic/1396835868.html

My Boyfriend Application and Test

First, a little about me. I'm a 20-year-old good looking blonde attending University. I'm tired of wasting my time, so I have formulated some mandatory criteria in part A and part B is based on points.

Part A

1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I�ll need to see a birth certificate.
2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception.
3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans.
4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course.
5) I can�t accept a regular drug user. Despite BC culture, I am including weed.
6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.
7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines.
8) You have to have lived in Victoria for at least two consecutive years.
9) You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months.
10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher.

If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend.

Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet

Part B

1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree.
2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.
3) You�ve never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand.
4) You follow at least one professional sport.
5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you.
6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah�s Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic.
7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America.
8) You don�t need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house.
9) You know how to cook a meal for two.
10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping.
11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don�t have to tell your friends).
12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you?
13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer.
14) You work out and enjoy being physically active. I hit the gym regularly, you should too.
15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma.
16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding.
17) You have a 5 year goal.
18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side.
19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends.
20) You know how to dance.

If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.

You MUST respond with your age (this is a creeper free zone, 20-26 year olds only please) and your picture.

I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.

[instmsgrs]

Some people just like to submit us drama. TRAVIS IN BUENA PARK HOW COULD YOU!!

Travis in Buena Park, read this, please. - w4m - 23 (Fullerton)
Date: 2010-01-01, 7:33PM PST
Reply To This Post

I did not lie to you. I really did have those feelings again. I can't leave him. you know why. I miss what we had, but it was 6 years ago, I can't leave my life now to go back 6 years and do it again. You broke my heart back then, and unfortunately, it's a decision you'll regret. I don't think I'll EVER fully be over you, especially since my mind can't get away from you since you came over that night. I was hurt and scared, but in your heart, you know why I can't leave him. I can't put my feelings ahead of the baby. I'll miss you, and I wish you would still be friends with me, because I'm going to always wonder if you're happy. One of my first loves, you'll always have a place in my heart, that I'll promise you. I'll miss you, but since you wouldn't let me on the phone, here's my good bye.

[instmsgrs]

Thanks Leslie for the "hate."

best of craigslist

__________Those That Hate Together, Mate Together__________ - 28 (Vancouver)

Date: 2010-01-07, 11:22AM PST
Reply To This Post

Have you ever noticed how these personal ads always start with people saying what kind of person they are, followed by what they hope to find? Usually they list some things they like such as music, movies and hope someone out there will read that list and think, WOW, I have a lot in common with this person! THEY MUST BE MY FLIPPIN' SOULMATE!

It’s a little unrealistic.

So I thought I'd switch things up a bit and give you a list of things I despise. This is how real bonds are formed….

+ People who mix up your and you're. I demand some grammar skills, ladies. Is it so hard to throw in a period between sentences? I never thought I'd ask a girl for a period before....ewww.
+ Everyone Loves Raymond. Except me. It's shows like this that keep my away from the TV most of the time.
+ Ants. I'm in a high-rise and they still managed to find their way into my humble abode. WTF.
+ Often you'll hear ABC - Anything But Country. But I have my own easy-to-use, musically-selective acronym. ABCD. Anything But Celine Dion.
+ When girlfriends ask stupid What If questions. Yes, I will still love you if you lost a limb in a freak sledding accident.....but if you get fat, I'm putting you on a plan. If that doesn't work, a plane.
+ Chinese people that wear those silly-ass sun visors that swivel to cover their face. Just once I'd love to see one of them do some spontaneous arc welding.
+ Waiting for stuff. Like the Stanley Cup.
+ Affliction T-shirts. I don't know why, but for some reason, a bedazzled, shiny piece of men's clothing seems more queer than thug to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
+ UFC. I don't see the attraction in watching a couple of mostly-naked, sweaty men wrestle on the ground and mount each other for ten minutes. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
+ BO or Axe Body Spray. Which one is worse?
+ Picketing. I'm against it, but I don't know how to express it.
+ Female body hair. When I stroke your hair, I'd rather it not be on your legs.
+ Plagiarism. The unoriginal sin.
+ Mornings. And Garfield. Ironic, I know. Actually, Garfield is funnier WITHOUT Garfield.
+ Subway commercials. What's with those monkeys? It's like they're slowly trying to lure us into eating them one day when the economy gets really bad. I'll have the Simian Sub with extra banana peppers!
+ Religion. I like being an atheist. It's the only belief that has no invisible means of support.
+ Micheal Bay and George Lucas. Thank you for destroying my beloved childhood icons. If they ever make a live-action My Little Pony movie, you'll know what I'm talking about.
+ People that complain about Vancouver. Do a search on the best cities in the world, whiny-pants! How can you hate a city that offers views, fine-dining, every activity imaginable and months and months of never-ending rain?
+ People who tell their life story for a quarter. It's almost as bad as those people who tell their life story on craigslist for a date! Zing.

[instmsgrs]

A blog a blog a blog:

http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

Thanks, TJ!

[instmsgrs]

So where is Hagerstown?

"More cookies" LOL.

walmart - m4m - 22 (hagerstown)
Date: 2010-01-04, 1:05AM EST
Reply To This Post

you work at walmart - you told my friend where she could get more cookies and then talked to me about your discount. i was a little drunk and she was plastered so i'm sorry. i'm not even 100% sure if you're gay so if you're not... oops. anyway, i remember your name. if you're out there, email me.

[instmsgrs]

In case you wondered, INST MSGS is apparently also a blog for Korean Food. LOL. We'll take all the fans we can get.

Look at what a "fan" mistakenly sent us:

Yes, your blog is so nice . . . I remember when I was a young boy in the Korea in the 1970s and my mother would chew the food before giving to my baby sister because in those days no baby food. I would ask my mother, "mommie, why you do like that," and she say baby food too expensive and this is more nutritional value or something like that. Many years later, I date a girl who say, hey, chew the food then spit in my mouth. She want that because it reminds her of her childhood and that it's hot.

I say, "You're crazy."

So now I live in Canada.

This is an enjoyable blog. Really nice!