Advice for a xenophobe?

[ariastar]

Xenophobe: A person unduly fearful or contemptuous of that which is foreign, especially of strangers or foreign peoples.

For the purpose of this thread, one who is scared to death of strangers. Foreign means unknown, not neccesarily from another country.

Let's say someone, who is always pretty shy and xenophobic (despite previously seeming very open and confident online), suddenly becomes so much more so that this person even starts to become afraid of posting on message boards, walking around work because there are people this person doesn't know, etc.. The thought of going to events suddenly invokes extreme panic and barely-restrained tears. Hyperventilation seems possible at any second. The person suspects that the xenophobia might be due to a severe fear of rejection, and so, to avoid rejection, this person avoids people unknown, and even friends and significant other when said people are in the company of persons unknown.

Please, what advice would you give to such a person? Therapy is out of the question.

[klitzy]

Uh....Wow. I would say.....Just get over it. I could never be a therapist because I know how awful "Just get over it" sounds and also how stupid it might sound but seriously....In the end, thats what you are going to have to do.

[ariastar]

Um, the problem is...how? You don't tell someone to just get in a car and drive, to just do it. Gotta help 'em figure it out first.

[klitzy]

Um, the problem is...how? You don't tell someone to just get in a car and drive, to just do it. Gotta help 'em figure it out first.

And thats why I could never be a physciatrist.....

[darklighter]

I think that all the information is there to resolve this issue. On the one hand, you have a person who is suffering from these phobias. But then on the other hand, you have a person that's capable of *identifying* these phobias. If you are able to reconcile that these are just phobias, then you can quickly dismiss them as such and reject the behaviour all together. I'm not a therapist, but my advice is to just reject the phobias. Gather up self confidence to just face the people or whomever you interact with.

[ariastar]

I think that all the information is there to resolve this issue. On the one hand, you have a person who is suffering from these phobias. But then on the other hand, you have a person that's capable of *identifying* these phobias. If you are able to reconcile that these are just phobias, then you can quickly dismiss them as such and reject the behaviour all together. I'm not a therapist, but my advice is to just reject the phobias. Gather up self confidence to just face the people or whomever you interact with.

How to just reject it?

[tokenuser]

Knowing you have these problems is the first step.
I am much the same - and work in a sales environment ... which is harrowing at times.

I am fine on the phone, via email, etc., but freak when I need to interact with people I don't know. Its my inner geek cringing at the thought of personal interaction. I am now OK with it for the most part - provided I have been introduced, I can talk quite happily, but its that initial introduction that is hard for me.

How do I combat it? Sheer willpower. There is no panacea for this, you just need to step up to the plate, walk over and introduce yourself ... "Hi, I'm Aria ... and you are? ..." "Great, so what do you do here/what are you working on/who are you here to see/anything I can help you with/oh, so YOUR xxx, Nickolay has talked about you before - its great to put a name to a face ..."

Small talk and introductions in social and busines settings takes practice, but if you are an introvert, you need to work harder to push past that - but ultimately are more successful because of it.

I hate to agree with Klitzy, but "Just get over it" is the best advice we can give. Start small - go up to Nickolay and his friends, I am sure that he will take the initiative and introduce you. Then just liten to the conversation, say nothing about religion or politicis until you know them better, and go with the flow. The initial into is hard, the rest gets easier.

[ariastar]

I forced myself to walk over to his desk this afternoon, making a pitstop out of nausea. Walking into an area with people whose faces I know, but whose names I don't, and they all know who I am. People. Lots of people. And when I got there and he was talking to somebody? Took every ounce of willpower I had to not run away. Literally. He's already let me know he's glad I did went over.

In December it started to get severe all of a sudden, to the point that I'm having a hard time even participating in message boards much (notice how my rate of posting plummeted?) because it might come with interacting with people I don't "know." And it's terrifying to me.

When a couple of guys came over to fetch me on Friday for the Friday beer bash (yeah, our company buys lots of beer for Fridays), I was only okay because the topic was Diggnation (the bottle opener was on my desk since I drink bottled root beer and they loved it) and Happy Tree Friends. Even then, after about two minutes I retreated.

Nickolay (thank you for remembering his name and the correct spelling) has introduced me before. He's come to my desk and convinced me to go with him. To walk up to the group on my own is too much. Walking over to his desk took a few days of telling myself to just do it.

What I don't understand is why this suddenly started to get so much worse all of a sudden when I was actually improving. And what I especially don't understand is why I'm so afraid of even message boards, the one area where I'm usually outgoing.

[masherscf]

Then just liten to the conversation, say nothing about religion or politicis until you know them better, and go with the flow. The initial into is hard, the rest gets easier.

People will like you more if you listen to them a seem interested.

When I was little, I had a stammer. I was afraid to speak in public. Now, I'm a professor.

[ariastar]

People will like you more if you listen to them a seem interested.

When I was little, I had a stammer. I was afraid to speak in public. Now, I'm a professor.

This tends to be what happens as I'm too afraid to say anything in return other than to ask more questions about their interests. Be interested, not interesting. And I'm too scared to seem interesting.

Public speaking is fine as it doesn't involve interacting with people and what's to be said is, for the most part, planned ahead of time. And doing stage-work is fine.

[tobey]

Wow, Aria. I had no idea. You seem so outgoing in the forum.

I've got the same problem, although you seem to have at least some understanding as to why you might have this problem. I, on the other hand have no idea why I'm this way. I think I'm a little worse than you because if someone I don't know very well tries to start a conversation with me, I start sweating and my mind just goes blank. I usually end up responding with single syllable words. It's incredibly awkward... And needless to say, the conversation doesn't last very long, which I guess is what I want.


Although, I don't have a problem talking in forums (obviously). I suppose it's becuase there's no pressure to respond, or respond in a timely fashion...

[darklighter]

How to just reject it?

It's not how, it's just not focusing on it. It's way too distracting to think about trying to become comfortable in a conversation. Think about any times you were having a great talk with a friend. Or some time when you were so excited about something and were sharing the news. You never gave a second thought to whether or not you were feeling comfortable. It was the farthest thing from your mind. Make sense?

Ok, so it's different when you're talking to a stranger or someone you know very little but you have to remain focused on the conversation. Like someone said earlier, people like it when you're interested in them. That's because people love talking about themselves.

Also, getting rested at night helps I think. That way you are alert and attentive, not sleepy. Then again, no sleep at all helps me socially. I don't know, I get a little babbly on too little sleep. lol!

[acidburn]

I know you say therapy is out of the question, but how about reading a book?
I've been reading a book called "Shyness: A Bold New Approach".

As with any self-help book, take from it what helps you. But really what it comes down to is recognizing the physical reaction inside your body that you get from the situations and then managing the reaction so it doesn't take over. It won't go away, but if you can manage what it does to you then maybe you can expand your comfort zone.

[phatlip12]

Why is therapy out of the question? It sounds like this fear is effecting your day to day life and is keeping you from functioning properly. I think you should get help from a professional (whether it is a doctor or a consular).

If you have some sort of social anxiety disorder then you should seek help. A mental illness is the same as any other illness such as diabetes.

[ariastar]

Wow, Aria. I had no idea. You seem so outgoing in the forum.

I've got the same problem, although you seem to have at least some understanding as to why you might have this problem. I, on the other hand have no idea why I'm this way. I think I'm a little worse than you because if someone I don't know very well tries to start a conversation with me, I start sweating and my mind just goes blank. I usually end up responding with single syllable words. It's incredibly awkward... And needless to say, the conversation doesn't last very long, which I guess is what I want.


Although, I don't have a problem talking in forums (obviously). I suppose it's becuase there's no pressure to respond, or respond in a timely fashion...

Most people online would never guess that I'm terrified of people I don't know. The anxiety has set off seizures in the past (petit mals, not grand mals, the ones everyone thinks of). It's to the point now that I'm having a hard time posting even in forums, though and trying.

[ariastar]

It's not how, it's just not focusing on it. It's way too distracting to think about trying to become comfortable in a conversation. Think about any times you were having a great talk with a friend. Or some time when you were so excited about something and were sharing the news. You never gave a second thought to whether or not you were feeling comfortable. It was the farthest thing from your mind. Make sense?

Ok, so it's different when you're talking to a stranger or someone you know very little but you have to remain focused on the conversation. Like someone said earlier, people like it when you're interested in them. That's because people love talking about themselves.

Also, getting rested at night helps I think. That way you are alert and attentive, not sleepy. Then again, no sleep at all helps me socially. I don't know, I get a little babbly on too little sleep. lol!


Consciously trying to not focus on it makes you focus on it. :)

Whenw ith one or two friends, I'm okay. But with three or more, I go into my shell.

[ariastar]

Why is therapy out of the question? It sounds like this fear is effecting your day to day life and is keeping you from functioning properly. I think you should get help from a professional (whether it is a doctor or a consular).

If you have some sort of social anxiety disorder then you should seek help. A mental illness is the same as any other illness such as diabetes.

Monday
9:20am - 10:45am
11:00am - 6:30pm
7:00pm - 9:05pm

Tuesday
8:00am - 4:30pm
5:15pm - 6:40pm
7:00pm - 8:25pm
8:35pm - 11:00


Wednesday
9:20am - 10:45am
11:00am - 7:30pm
8:00pm - 10:00pm

Thursday
8:00am - 4:30pm
5:15pm - 6:40pm
7:00pm - 8:25pm
8:45pm - 10:30pm

Friday
7:30am - 4:00pm
4:30pm - 7:40pm

Saturday
09:00am - 10:30am
10:40am - 12:10pm
7:00pm? - ?

Sunday
11:00pm-midnight


The italics are when I will be working, the rest of those, except for a couple in the evenings, are classes. None of these include boyfriend-time either. He fits in around this stuff. There's no time for therapy. :)

Besides, I've been to therapy before, and I'm not a fan of having to write down what I'm afraid of anf why, then having to pick it apart to find what a therapist thinks are fallacies, essentially being required to invalidate what I feel. I am a human, and should not be required to invalidate myself. Plus, during sessions where I was feeling okay, being required to talk about the negative stuff dragged me down again. Not productive.

[phatlip12]

Monday
9:20am - 10:45am
11:00am - 6:30pm
7:00pm - 9:05pm

Tuesday
8:00am - 4:30pm
5:15pm - 6:40pm
7:00pm - 8:25pm
8:35pm - 11:00


Wednesday
9:20am - 10:45am
11:00am - 7:30pm
8:00pm - 10:00pm

Thursday
8:00am - 4:30pm
5:15pm - 6:40pm
7:00pm - 8:25pm
8:45pm - 10:30pm

Friday
7:30am - 4:00pm
4:30pm - 7:40pm

Saturday
09:00am - 10:30am
10:40am - 12:10pm
7:00pm? - ?

Sunday
11:00pm-midnight


The italics are when I will be working, the rest of those, except for a couple in the evenings, are classes. None of these include boyfriend-time either. He fits in around this stuff. There's no time for therapy. :)

Besides, I've been to therapy before, and I'm not a fan of having to write down what I'm afraid of anf why, then having to pick it apart to find what a therapist thinks are fallacies, essentially being required to invalidate what I feel. I am a human, and should not be required to invalidate myself. Plus, during sessions where I was feeling okay, being required to talk about the negative stuff dragged me down again. Not productive.

What about going to the doctor to talk about going on some sort of anxiety medication?

[tokenuser]

What about going to the doctor to talk about going on some sort of anxiety medication?Seriously - that is terrible advice. Anxiety medication treats the symptoms, NOT the cause, and serves to be an emotional crutch.

Seeing a therapist or psychologist? Yeah - what ever. Good ones are great (not through personal experience with VISITING a therapist/psychologist, but from two people I knew who are psychologists), but a lousy one will screw you up even worse than taking advice from a group of unqualifed losers on the internet (huh? did I just say that??).

[phatlip12]

Seriously - that is terrible advice. Anxiety medication treats the symptoms, NOT the cause, and serves to be an emotional crutch.

Seeing a therapist or psychologist? Yeah - what ever. Good ones are great (not through personal experience with VISITING a therapist/psychologist, but from two people I knew who are psychologists), but a lousy one will screw you up even worse than taking advice from a group of unqualifed losers on the internet (huh? did I just say that??).

You gota realize though, this kind of behavior isn't your average shy person. It sounds to me like it is effecting her life and how she functions so its important that she does SOMETHING to take care of the problem.

I mentioned the therapy/counselor first as I also feel that taking medication isn't the best option. However, if her anxiety is causing an inability for her to fully function from day to day and seeing a therapist/counselor isn't an option then the best bet is probably medication. Aria said herself that her condition is getting worse so I think it best to receive SOME kind of treatment before it gets any worse. Regardless, talk to a doctor, its best to take a doctors advice then mine or anyone else's here (unless somebody here is a doctor LOL)

To ARIA:

Props on coming out and discussing this. Anytime you are feeling stressed out over social gatherings or whatnot feel free to send me a PM if it helps talking to somebody.

[tokenuser]

Regardless, talk to a doctor, its best to take a doctors advice then mine or anyone else's here (unless somebody here is a doctor LOL)I think the only doctor here is possibly Masher ... and he could help out with cryptographic analysis, but not the voices you hear in your head :)

Aria - IANAD, but anxiety affects a lot of people. I would guess that since you are at the early stages of a relationship with someone you work with, a majority of the anxiety you feel is out of a sense of trying not to embarrass yourself in front of Nickolay and his friends/peers. Because HE accepts you, THEY will accept you. Take a deep breath, and dive in. Confront your fears.

Given recent religious revelations you have made, drugs are not going to be an acceptable answer, and as much as I hate to admit it, the group you are involved with IS great at building self esteem and self image.

[ariastar]

Seriously - that is terrible advice. Anxiety medication treats the symptoms, NOT the cause, and serves to be an emotional crutch.

Seeing a therapist or psychologist? Yeah - what ever. Good ones are great (not through personal experience with VISITING a therapist/psychologist, but from two people I knew who are psychologists), but a lousy one will screw you up even worse than taking advice from a group of unqualifed losers on the internet (huh? did I just say that??).

This is why I won't go on meds. How can the cause be treated if the symptoms can't be felt? How can progress be measured when inhibitions are simply lowered?

The last therapist I saw meant well, but in the end, I was feeling more depressed when I knew an appointment was the next day because it meant talking about depressing stuff even when I was feeling okay. There was never emphasis on the positive, only focus on the negative.

[ariastar]

You gota realize though, this kind of behavior isn't your average shy person. It sounds to me like it is effecting her life and how she functions so its important that she does SOMETHING to take care of the problem.

I mentioned the therapy/counselor first as I also feel that taking medication isn't the best option. However, if her anxiety is causing an inability for her to fully function from day to day and seeing a therapist/counselor isn't an option then the best bet is probably medication. Aria said herself that her condition is getting worse so I think it best to receive SOME kind of treatment before it gets any worse. Regardless, talk to a doctor, its best to take a doctors advice then mine or anyone else's here (unless somebody here is a doctor LOL)

To ARIA:

Props on coming out and discussing this. Anytime you are feeling stressed out over social gatherings or whatnot feel free to send me a PM if it helps talking to somebody.

You're right that it's getting worse. And I can't explain it. I've made progress (of sorts) in one area. Nickolay knows I've been having a problem with this. While he's not pressuring me, he's been encouraging me very much to walk over to him at work. Right now I can't make myself go anywhere but his desk, and even then, the first time I did that, I spent hours mentally prepping myself, and then made every possible stop along the way, including to the bathroom to deal with nausea.

We like seeing each other at work, and, before, he'd come over to my desk for a bit. But he's put the ball in my court. While I know he wants to see me as much, I have to overcome whatever fear I have about walking to his desk at work. Baby steps, I guess. And, when I do make myself go over there, he let's me know how glad he is that I did, knowing I have a desire to make people happy. It's like he's using one aspect of who I am (liking to make people happy) against the side that is afraid of everybody.

It does help that the people around him, and probably most of the company right now, know that we're together, so it doesn't seem out of place for us to be around each other, despite our jobs (e-mail security for me, firewall-cirus-stuff for him) not having much, if anything, to do with the other and we sit about 250 yards apart (gigantic place).

But this is just work. The last time I went to San Francisco by myself I wanted to sink into the wall, so to speak. And even at MacWorld I had to fight panic. I can act calm, but underneath it all, I'm an insecure, frightened mess.

Online most people think I'm very outgoing and loud. In person, I'm seriously the polar opposite.

[ariastar]

I think the only doctor here is possibly Masher ... and he could help out with cryptographic analysis, but not the voices you hear in your head :)

Aria - IANAD, but anxiety affects a lot of people. I would guess that since you are at the early stages of a relationship with someone you work with, a majority of the anxiety you feel is out of a sense of trying not to embarrass yourself in front of Nickolay and his friends/peers. Because HE accepts you, THEY will accept you. Take a deep breath, and dive in. Confront your fears.

Given recent religious revelations you have made, drugs are not going to be an acceptable answer, and as much as I hate to admit it, the group you are involved with IS great at building self esteem and self image.

What is IANAD?

I'm not at all afraid of embarassing myself with Nickolay or his friends. They're just unfamiliar to me. I know he accepts me. I'm very lucky he accepts me. He's the type off immensely popular guy I could never talk to in high school, and he's accepted someone as shy as he is outgoing, and he doesn't make me feel bad for it. (LOL, who'd have thought that, after all the guy-drama of the last several months, that the guy I'd end up with was a friend who was right in front of me longer than I've even known about Digg?)

I've been too busy to do much at the org, but I was thinking about that too. When I was on course there I was feeling much more confident, as in my own mom noticed a difference just over the phone.

[masherscf]

I think the only doctor here is possibly Masher ... and he could help out with cryptographic analysis, but not the voices you hear in your head :)

Someone needs to keep my voices company...