AriaStar
05-23-2007, 08:18 AM
I know it's typical to gain weight before and during a period. This ****ing sucks! I managed to gain four pounds. Up to 10 is typical, but it's frustrating as all **** and depresses the living hell out of me.
Okay, so the ephedra and restricting isn't working. I get to a point that I have to eat something or else will pass out, or Nick will be all like, hey, let's order a pizza. He knows I don't get an appetite except for 1 in the afternoon or after 10pm. And then, when I do eat, I feel really, really angry with myself and sometimes throw up. And then I feel sick. I've had a problem with EDNOS for about six years. I'll go through a period of falling into it very heavily and then times when I'm so frustrated that I don't care.
So I'm going to try this thing where everything I am allowed to have here is total health food and I went to the store tonight and dropped a ton of frozen stuff and fresh fruits. I hate having to go the frozen route, but fresh meats and stuff are usually sold in packs for families and freezing fresh meat causes it to end up in my freezer for a year. (I threw out two t-bone steaks tonight that I don't even remember buying.) And things like those Pillsbury flaky biscuits I love so much I eat raw? A can of eight. And when it comes to spaghetti and stuff, I feel bad using the energy to heat a pot of water for one serving, so will make enough for leftovers, then end up eating too much. So I got the Healthy Choice stuff and those other brands that have about 200 calories in them and will try to stick with things like those.
When I got home, I threw out everything I have that's evil, like pizza and stuff. I don't want it around. My fridge looks pretty barren now, but oh well. The toughest was throwing away the artichokes. Now those aren't bad, but the mayo I eat with them is terrible.
Some might call this "healthy eating" (with the ephedra addition) though I feel sick at the thought of eating this stuff and keeping it down. Sometimes I get so sick after eating at the sheer thought of food that I have to rush to find a bathroom. I don't have to shove a finger in my throat or anything. I lack a gag reflex, so it won't work. Just the mental thought is enough.
A handful of people on my friends list I met in ED communities, but we're not wanting to change. Let me see if I can give the rest of you a glimpse at the inside of our minds. I can't speak for those who fit the full definition of anorexic, but I can a bit for others.
It's next to impossible to ignore the media. Women like Tyra Banks gain weight and become healthy, and yet she's been nicknamed "Thighra." Cindy Crawford and Christy Brinkley have been in interviews talking about how they're disgusted that they were considered too thin in the 80's, and yet would be too fat to model now. Even if we ignore the media ourselves, we have no control over others.
We can't make it so that the people we know don't watch TV or read magazines, getting into their heads that the tinier the prettier. So the societal views of pretty and what a woman should look like become skewed. There's this constant fear of being judged. If we eat something, why are we eating when we should be trying to lose weight? Why can't we look like so-and-so? And don't think that most of us haven't overheard a friend do or say something. Every time I think of Robert indicating to Jennifer why he called shotgun for me last July 4th I am still very upset. He didn't mean for me to see, and I've never told him.
Being told, "Hey, it looks like you've lost weight - you look good!" is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, weight loss is acknowledged. On the other, it means that the weight is noticed in the first place. This is humiliating.
And then there's the issue of finding clothes that fit. Don't even get me started there - I call between regular sizes and plus sizes, a full 6" gap between the end of regular and the beginning of plus.
You see stars being praised as pretty and thin, Eva Longoria on the cover of a magazine with a headline screaming to read inside to find out how she slimmed down and toned up for the cover (um, I didn't think she had an extra ounce to begin with), fashions for thin, fixes for flaws, and the next thing you know, you've got people feeling like there's something wrong with us that must be remedied, and the only control we have over it is to punish ourselves with slogans such as "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels," and the genuine belief that hunger pains are evidence of good self-control and these pains come to feel good because we believe we are doing ourselves good.
But then we're stigmatized further. Do you have any idea how ****ing hard it is to admit to your friends that you have ED? It's difficult to even say the words, or to even type it. ED or EDNOS, ana or mia. "Disease of the selfish" one girl I met today was told. "Affliction of the wealthy" I was told directly and them accused of being classist.
It's hard to feel comfortable with yourself, with your body, when all around are signs and ads shrieking how to fix yourself. But one common thread I've noticed among those in the ED comms I'm part of is that most of us lack either a strong family base or a good friend structure. These are the two places we are the most likely to receive positive validation. When one or both fails, then it's catastrophe. Sometimes we even hear from our family and/or friends that we need to lose more weight. But to come out as having an ED is like asking for those we want to love us to instead criticize us even more. Or, even worse, sometimes our EDs are actively encouraged.
For some of us, it's an attempt to be accepted by those closest to us, for all of us a struggle to be someone we can accept ourselves. We have little control in certain areas, so control what we think we can: our own bodies. When our bodies fail to do what we want them to do, we hate ourselves, feel terrible about ourselves. When society's views of how good or bad a person is runs along the lines of think = good and bad = fat, what else are we supposed to think?
It's a confusing, sad world, a difficult attempt to belong and be loved, especially by ourselves.
Okay, so the ephedra and restricting isn't working. I get to a point that I have to eat something or else will pass out, or Nick will be all like, hey, let's order a pizza. He knows I don't get an appetite except for 1 in the afternoon or after 10pm. And then, when I do eat, I feel really, really angry with myself and sometimes throw up. And then I feel sick. I've had a problem with EDNOS for about six years. I'll go through a period of falling into it very heavily and then times when I'm so frustrated that I don't care.
So I'm going to try this thing where everything I am allowed to have here is total health food and I went to the store tonight and dropped a ton of frozen stuff and fresh fruits. I hate having to go the frozen route, but fresh meats and stuff are usually sold in packs for families and freezing fresh meat causes it to end up in my freezer for a year. (I threw out two t-bone steaks tonight that I don't even remember buying.) And things like those Pillsbury flaky biscuits I love so much I eat raw? A can of eight. And when it comes to spaghetti and stuff, I feel bad using the energy to heat a pot of water for one serving, so will make enough for leftovers, then end up eating too much. So I got the Healthy Choice stuff and those other brands that have about 200 calories in them and will try to stick with things like those.
When I got home, I threw out everything I have that's evil, like pizza and stuff. I don't want it around. My fridge looks pretty barren now, but oh well. The toughest was throwing away the artichokes. Now those aren't bad, but the mayo I eat with them is terrible.
Some might call this "healthy eating" (with the ephedra addition) though I feel sick at the thought of eating this stuff and keeping it down. Sometimes I get so sick after eating at the sheer thought of food that I have to rush to find a bathroom. I don't have to shove a finger in my throat or anything. I lack a gag reflex, so it won't work. Just the mental thought is enough.
A handful of people on my friends list I met in ED communities, but we're not wanting to change. Let me see if I can give the rest of you a glimpse at the inside of our minds. I can't speak for those who fit the full definition of anorexic, but I can a bit for others.
It's next to impossible to ignore the media. Women like Tyra Banks gain weight and become healthy, and yet she's been nicknamed "Thighra." Cindy Crawford and Christy Brinkley have been in interviews talking about how they're disgusted that they were considered too thin in the 80's, and yet would be too fat to model now. Even if we ignore the media ourselves, we have no control over others.
We can't make it so that the people we know don't watch TV or read magazines, getting into their heads that the tinier the prettier. So the societal views of pretty and what a woman should look like become skewed. There's this constant fear of being judged. If we eat something, why are we eating when we should be trying to lose weight? Why can't we look like so-and-so? And don't think that most of us haven't overheard a friend do or say something. Every time I think of Robert indicating to Jennifer why he called shotgun for me last July 4th I am still very upset. He didn't mean for me to see, and I've never told him.
Being told, "Hey, it looks like you've lost weight - you look good!" is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, weight loss is acknowledged. On the other, it means that the weight is noticed in the first place. This is humiliating.
And then there's the issue of finding clothes that fit. Don't even get me started there - I call between regular sizes and plus sizes, a full 6" gap between the end of regular and the beginning of plus.
You see stars being praised as pretty and thin, Eva Longoria on the cover of a magazine with a headline screaming to read inside to find out how she slimmed down and toned up for the cover (um, I didn't think she had an extra ounce to begin with), fashions for thin, fixes for flaws, and the next thing you know, you've got people feeling like there's something wrong with us that must be remedied, and the only control we have over it is to punish ourselves with slogans such as "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels," and the genuine belief that hunger pains are evidence of good self-control and these pains come to feel good because we believe we are doing ourselves good.
But then we're stigmatized further. Do you have any idea how ****ing hard it is to admit to your friends that you have ED? It's difficult to even say the words, or to even type it. ED or EDNOS, ana or mia. "Disease of the selfish" one girl I met today was told. "Affliction of the wealthy" I was told directly and them accused of being classist.
It's hard to feel comfortable with yourself, with your body, when all around are signs and ads shrieking how to fix yourself. But one common thread I've noticed among those in the ED comms I'm part of is that most of us lack either a strong family base or a good friend structure. These are the two places we are the most likely to receive positive validation. When one or both fails, then it's catastrophe. Sometimes we even hear from our family and/or friends that we need to lose more weight. But to come out as having an ED is like asking for those we want to love us to instead criticize us even more. Or, even worse, sometimes our EDs are actively encouraged.
For some of us, it's an attempt to be accepted by those closest to us, for all of us a struggle to be someone we can accept ourselves. We have little control in certain areas, so control what we think we can: our own bodies. When our bodies fail to do what we want them to do, we hate ourselves, feel terrible about ourselves. When society's views of how good or bad a person is runs along the lines of think = good and bad = fat, what else are we supposed to think?
It's a confusing, sad world, a difficult attempt to belong and be loved, especially by ourselves.