Anybody want to read a screenplay?

[mcguffin672]

Hello, TRS fans. My name is Darren and I'm in a long-time-listener-first-time-caller situation. I'm a senior in high school with way too much downtime, so I decided to write a screenplay. Recently, I started an email back and forth with the TRS guys, asking if they would be interested in reading it. They were, though technically they haven't gotten around to it yet. I asked if they would be kind enough to make a little announcement on the show about it, saying that I'm always looking for more people who might be interested as well. They suggested making a forum post, so here I am.

I figured there were plenty of film-savvy fans out there, so I was hoping that a few amongst the multitude wouldn't mind reading my script and giving me a few pointers, or at least letting me know that I am a talentless hack with delusions of grandeur or whatever it is angry forum people do. I know you guys, for the most part anyway, are good people, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

I suppose a synopsis is in order, so here goes: The script is entitled "Thud", and it centers around a young hit-woman who has an existential crisis and commits suicide by jumping out of a building. Upon doing so, she begins to re-experience all the murders she's committed. Unsure if she's actually dead and she's in the afterlife or if this is all just in her head and she hasn't quite died yet, she goes on a journey of self-discovery, etc., etc. Don't want to give too much away.

I know some of you may be concerned that a high school student would write such a dark story, but I assure you there's nothing wrong with me. I harbor no violent intent towards anything or anyone. Just thought I'd get that out of the way. I got bored in history one day, and like anything worth writing, the premise just sort of came to me. The darkness is just inherent in the material.

Phew, that was a long post.

Anywho, I would really appreciate any and all offers to help. It's only about 84 pages, which shouldn't be asking too much. If you are interested, my email address is mcguffin672@gmail.com, and I would be extremely happy to send you a pdf.

If you got this far into the post, I thank you already.

[taozoo4u]

ill read it my email is Freakinsweet1184@cox.net

[taozoo4u]

ok man i got the screen play and im about to read it i swear but right as it came in my CoD4 beta key came i am sorry but video games are my life so i have to play it first

[patch]

Listen you talentless hack with delusions of grandeur. I'll read it. Just so I can say I knew how dark and f***ed up you were once you go on a shooting spree. Lol. E-mail sent. Awating reply.

[taozoo4u]

hey so far im on pg 10 and i have a question it says Brian is watching the news covering the president of Iselin...Iselin is a part of NJ is it not? unless you meant something like iceland. now i could be wrong and if i am please correct me. or just clear up the matter.

its pretty good so far

[jubo]

When Alex is 13, somebody says don't all you kids carry cellphones, or something to that effect. She is in her mid 20s , so at least 10 years ago, kids didn't carry cell phones around that much. The story would be OK if this is in the future, but mid 90s, kids didn't carry cell phones. Just a little dialogue blip that occurred to me.

[mcguffin672]

Oh, about the President Iselin stuff, President Iselin is a character I made up, and I'm not aware of the NJ thing. Actually, Iselin is from "The Manchurian Candidate", but it's a different character. When you get deeper into the story, it may seem like there's a fairly deep political subplot below the surface. This is because I had been working on another screenplay with a friend of mine about a President Rudolph Iselin. That screenplay didn't get very far, but I liked the Iselin story so I thought I'd include it here. Originally, it was going to include stuff about Iraq and I decided against it. Figured it would date it in a way I felt hurt the feel of the story. Hope that's not too confusing.

[mcguffin672]

In regards to the cell phone thing, a time period is never specified, but it is the near future. I think once the Iselin stuff happens a little later, it sort of cements that this isn't exactly now, but sometime in the near enough future that it feels like now. Again, hope that's not too confusing.

[jubo]

I just finished reading it. Honestly, I didn't really "get it". She's a killer, kills her dad, jumps to her death, doesn't die, goes back through her life. I read through it pretty quickly, but didn't really understand who all the people were and what they were in the story for.

It's the first time I've read a screenplay though. I'd like to see the characters developed a little better. Just random people thrown in and killed. Good effort, though. You've done more than I ever have writing wise.

[mcguffin672]

Yeah, one problem with the way the story was told is that it makes it a bit difficult to develop any character besides Alex. I'm working on ways to develop Brian's character a little more, but your criticisms are completely justified. It is a bit strange, and I don't blame you for not getting it. It is a work in progress, but that's precisely the point of trying to get some help on the boards here. Thank you again for your support.

[serenity]

I'll read it - I love to read so it will go fast.
Don't know how helpful I will be on giving you good feedback however, since the only screenplays I have actually read have been few and far between. I'm a novel lover.


I know some of you may be concerned that a high school student would write such a dark story, but I assure you there's nothing wrong with me. I harbor no violent intent towards anything or anyone. Just thought I'd get that out of the way. I got bored in history one day, and like anything worth writing, the premise just sort of came to me. The darkness is just inherent in the material.

It makes me really sad that you even have to clarify that. I'm sure you said it because schools and society in general now are afraid of you having an imagination because you may be the next high school shooter. You're allowed to have violent, even disgusting thoughts! As long as they are written down and not acted out in truth. :)
Don't let the man get you down! Damn the man! (Save the Empire!) <--- I doubt anyone will get that one I just couldn't resist. :P

Sending email now. <3

[jubo]

I did read through it pretty quickly. If you have any other stuff I can read, send it to me. I'm guessing you have links to some screenplay websites, etc. Can you email those to me?

Thanks,
Justin

[mcguffin672]

Actually.... I don't. Not really. I mean, I am self taught in screenplay format, but I basically just did a few general google searches on the matter. If you're interested in material on writing screenplays, I just read a great book by the Polish brothers called The Declaration of Independent Filmmaking. It's a great book if you're interested at all in independent film. Not much in the way of format stuff though.

[taozoo4u]

i just finished reading it also and i have to say it was alright but i have a few questions and comments

1. what genre is this screen play going to fall under i have a feeling that its going to be leaning towards action but i know you also described it as a journey of self discovery.

2. during that montage on when shes just killing people it seems a little off, not that theres anything wrong with it i just think it could have taken place after she meets the suicidal man.

3. just a few dialogue changes during the scene when she is 13.

[mcguffin672]

Funny thing about the genre, I'm not entirely sure either. It's kind of a hard thing to place. Closest thing I can think of is psychological thriller.

The montage, as I'm sure you can tell, is something I'm not particularly proud of. Unfortunately I can't really think of any other way to show that there were a lot of boring, rather standard jobs in between the first job and the thing with the suicidal man. The suicidal man bit sort of has to be where it is, though, since it is where she gets the job that leads her to Peter.

I know the dialogue in that scene is kind of strange, but so are the circumstances. That scene has probably undergone the most changes, dialogue wise. It still needs a lot of work though.

Again, thank you for your interest in this little project of mine, I really appreciate it.

[mcguffin672]

Just thought I'd give this a little bump to see if there's any more people interested in reading a copy.

[MaxTheSilent]

Just post it on simplyscripts.com (http://simplyscripts.com) and put up a link.

[mcguffin672]

Thanks for the suggestion!
I just submitted it to the site so it might be awhile before a link is ready. As soon as one is, I'll be more than happy to post it.

[sugarsickness]

I am a writer (Short stories, I've written some screenplays but nothing very long or "serious" attempts as it is very intimidating to me >< ) and would love to read your screenplay so I await the posting of a link :o

[mcguffin672]

If you'd rather not wait, I can just email you a pdf.

[sugarsickness]

sure, you can send it to wounded.edge [at] gmail [dot] com

[mcguffin672]

Just thought I'd bump this up front once again to see if there are any more takers.

[mcguffin672]

One more for good luck

[mcguffin672]

Aaaaaand once more just in case.

[lavahot]

Garrrr!! Rtftos!!

[mcguffin672]

................?

[serenity]

................?

I'm not sure I am correct but I'm guessing it's something along the lines of "read the effing terms of service" so I suppose bumping a thread too much is frowned upon. :(


PS. Busted! :P
<3

[mcguffin672]

Ah, I see. I apologize. I meant for that to be the last one anyway.

[mcguffin672]

For those of you that requested it, the script is now up on simplyscripts.com

Here's the URL http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/THUD.pdf

[taozoo4u]

i wrote a comic once, really just the story because i can not draw at all. but if i can find it ill put it on here

[the-explodenator]

Dammit, Darren! Leave these poor people alone.

I mean.... well done! :D;):D Glad to see you're finally getting some recognition.