Can y'all knock some sense into me?

[AriaStar]

Despite the title, this is a rather serious post. But I do need something to knock sense into me before I lose everything that matters to me. This isn't an easy post at all to even write.

It's no secret I've been struggling with ED, eating little and throwing up what I do eat and taking a ton of ephedra. I was once 400 pounds, and have lost almost 230 of it, over 50 since the end of May alone. I'm about 50 pounds from my target weight right now. Well, not MY target, but the lowest Nick will let me go before breaking up with me (he's concerned that I want to reach 100, and set a lot limit of 120, which is healthy for my height).

I've got a ton of battle scars from all my surgeries, and my boobs just aren't perky due to how much weight I've lost.

Nick's told me though that it's sad that I throw up, and he doesn't like it when I go to the bathroom after eating, even if I really just need to go and not throw up. You know I still won't let him actually see me naked? Hell, we got together in December when I was about 80 more than I am now, and he didn't reject me for my size them. I KNOW he won't reject me now, but don't believe it.

I don't want to keep throwing up, but can't see myself as anything other than a hideous blob, at best. It doesn't help that damned near every girl in the Bay Area is shorter and thinner than me, making me feel like a fat giant. Therapy doesn't help. I fight therapists every step of the way. They're all high and mighty and shit.

Now here's the problem. No matter what I do I can't seem to see myself as okay. No matter how much people I work with and Nick tell me I look good, I either believe they're lying to me or take it as encouragement to keep doing what I'm doing. Part of me knows I'm being stupid, and part of me doesn't care.

So I appeal to you guys (and the few girls) here for help. Real people help. How do I make myself realize, and believe, that I'm okay?

[tokenuser]

You don't need a bunch of armchair psychologists giving you advice on the intarwebs. You need to seek a psychologist - someone that specialises in eating disorders and self image problems.

Lose the attititude that they are full of shit and know nothing. Not all of them are touchy feely. Some of them do know their stuff. Find one.

[skyz]

yes i can and will help you

i thought you said you were 5'7" ~ why would you want to be shorter ~ actually i think it is the perfect height ~ almost tall enough to be a model and not too tall to be a ballerina

both 'beauty ideals'

rather than totally not eating you can go on one day fasts ~ an all fresh fruit day ~ a juice only day ~ i pmed you about the master cleanse did you read it

which will empty your system ~ flatten your tummy ~ and make you feel all sparkly

instead of essentially attacking the you you are now in order to 'carve out' the you you want to be ~ you need to build the you you want to be and the rest will begin to disappear

my grandmother was a fashionista so i was born into the world of being beautiful

i eat to be beautiful and to be healthy and to enjoy what i eat

when i am stressed i can't eat so i drink juice

when i lived with my bf we ate fresh squeezed vegetable juice salad and either brown rice or pasta with vegetables every night

i looked great *sigh*

from all the carrot juice my palms and the soles of my feet were actually peach colored

now that i am single it is harder because i have to do everything myself and i just can't do as much as he did for me myself

you need to love yourself now

it is not necessarily a battle it can be a more gentle inclination in the direction you are wanting

on a psychological level the more desperation there is in your desire the less likely you are to achieve it

think of every feminine indulgence you enjoy and substitute those for some of the eating pleasure

i use a lot of bubble bath

one day i was in the store and i had a copy of vogue in my hand while i was checking out the ben and jerrys flavors and it kinda hit me 'these are contraindicated' so i just left the ice cream and kept the vogue

you are beautiful as you are now i have your picture in my blog so i know

you want to be thinner or maybe you could think of it as being lighter

it is not like one day you will be transformed from the you you almost undoubtedly are not perceiving correctly to the ideal you ~ it will be a day by day week by week improvement and you can delight in each stage

you need to want to be as healthy as possible because healthy = beautiful

it is axiomatic

there are certain foods that are super foods strawberries and avocados are amongst them

when you concentrate on getting as much of these super foods as you can into yourself it does not leave much room for anything else

note this in the above sentence ~ it is about nurturing yourself not denying yourself

fruits vegetables and salads have high water content ~ means you can eat a lot of them ~ olive oil is excellent and there is a balsamic vinegar glaze that is to die for fabulous

if you like dairy go for the part skim mozzarella and ricotta ~ not the low fat because it has no taste

also with your academic goals you are going to need the energy healthy eating provides

think of it this way ~ by what you eat ~ nutritionally dense ~ you can turn your chassis from a honda to a ferrari

food is not your enemy it is your best friend if you chose well

now tell me what and when you eat on a normalish day

btw when you get to the smaller sizes there is maybe a three or two pound difference between sizes say 0 to 3

and maybe five pounds between a 7 and a 5

[GI_Josh]

You don't need a bunch of armchair psychologists giving you advice on the intarwebs. You need to seek a psychologist - someone that specialises in eating disorders and self image problems.

Lose the attititude that they are full of shit and know nothing. Not all of them are touchy feely. Some of them do know their stuff. Find one.

Agreed. You shouldn't mess around with this eating disorder shit. It has killed people. Stop and think about that. Would you rather die than be a normal healthy girl? You need to see a psychologist and stick with it until you get this worked out, Aria.

[Heyseuss]

A month in my house with me Aria and you will lose the weight, and gain an enormous amount of confidence and mental well-being. Good food, exercise, and talking. If your physical appearance is all your concerned about, you can just wrap yourself in plastics and sit in a sauna and shed excess water weight, instead of all the damage you are doing to your liver, kidneys, etc, by throwing up. Professional boxers and fighters can shed up to 20 pounds on the DAY of the weigh-in.

It's been over 3 years since I knew my weight, I don't give a hoot about my outside appearance, but I do care about what I put into my body.

I just at an entire avocado with half a bag of lime and soy corn chips. I actually also just drank an entire bottle of water, while typing this post.

[skyz]

i woke up and drank some water with lemons and honey as i do everyday

after my bubble bath i will have my 'birdseed' bread with almond butter and organic cherry preserves with some soy silk

later i will have a smoothie frozen mango soy silk and spirulina shake powder

for dinner i will have brown rice with walnuts raisins and curry with broccoli

yesterday i passed a place that said 'the best cake in the world - oprah winfrey' so i had a big slice of chocolate cake

i don't have an eating disorder i have an appetite disorder when i am stressed i don't eat

i have had two really great therapists ~ they are not easy to find ~ with one i spent three years working on anger issues with the second a few months working on fear

so yes look for the underlying cause with a professional

[silentspyder]

I assume you tried diets already but even though they're a pain I'm sure they're better than what you're doing. Have you looked at ways of speeding up your metabolism? I hear eating a lot of small healthy meals instead of a few will speed it up. But I could be wrong, so do some Googlin'. Most important I think would be cardio, run a lot. Listen to some podcasts while you run around a park.

[deegraww]

I don't understand how people can get sick on purpose. The thing I hate most in this world is to puke.

This is a bad situation to be in you are going to need outside help. It's not a good way to live and it's a worse way to die. I hope things get better for you but you really have to want them to. Gonna have to get over the idea's you have about professional help and bite the bullet.

[TNVWBOY]

You don't need a bunch of armchair psychologists giving you advice on the intarwebs. You need to seek a psychologist - someone that specialises in eating disorders and self image problems.

Lose the attititude that they are full of shit and know nothing. Not all of them are touchy feely. Some of them do know their stuff. Find one.

Agreed. And certainly don't feel bad about wanting/needing professional assistance. It's totally worth it. That said you don't have to settle for the first ding-dong with a degree either. You have to find someone you are comfortable with.

[acidburn]

Therapy doesn't help. I fight therapists every step of the way. They're all high and mighty and shit.

Now here's the problem. No matter what I do I can't seem to see myself as okay. No matter how much people I work with and Nick tell me I look good, I either believe they're lying to me or take it as encouragement to keep doing what I'm doing. Part of me knows I'm being stupid, and part of me doesn't care.

So I appeal to you guys (and the few girls) here for help. Real people help. How do I make myself realize, and believe, that I'm okay?

You should keep looking until you find the right therapist for you. Sounds like you haven't found the right one. From everything you say here I think you really do need to seek professional help in getting your self-image back in focus.

[AriaStar]

You should keep looking until you find the right therapist for you. Sounds like you haven't found the right one. From everything you say here I think you really do need to seek professional help in getting your self-image back in focus.

At about $150 per hour out of pocket, I'm not going to keep going that route when all I found before were therapists who were all like, "So let's figure out why you're doing this." Um, to lose weight, idiot-therapist. Therapists depress the living hell out of me and I won't go that route again. I KNOW why I do it, and figuring out WHY is all they're interested in. Of course they don't make their money by really helping, but by getting me back in there week after week.

[masherscf]

I fight therapists every step of the way. They're all high and mighty and shit.

I think you already know what you need.

I know I hold you in the highest regard. I hate that you're unhappy.

But, You sound miserable. Being happy seems beyond your means. Your circle of friends and online contacts don't seem to be helping you. You need to speak with someone who has experience with troubled people.

I think you might need to check yourself in to rehab or something.

[GI_Josh]

At about $150 per hour out of pocket, I'm not going to keep going that route when all I found before were therapists who were all like, "So let's figure out why you're doing this." Um, to lose weight, idiot-therapist. Therapists depress the living hell out of me and I won't go that route again. I KNOW why I do it, and figuring out WHY is all they're interested in. Of course they don't make their money by really helping, but by getting me back in there week after week.

I think what they are getting at is why do you feel this extreme need to lose weight? We all know that someone makes themself throw up to lose weight, but they do so because they have terrible self-images, or they were abused, etc. The shrinks are just trying to get to the bottom of that. Stop fighting them!

[AriaStar]

I think what they are getting at is why do you feel this extreme need to lose weight? We all know that someone makes themself throw up to lose weight, but they do so because they have terrible self-images, or they were abused, etc. The shrinks are just trying to get to the bottom of that. Stop fighting them!

Why do I want to? Because I weigh too much. It's not like I'm 5'7" and weigh 100. I have weight to lose, another 12 or so just to get to the top end of "healthy." This world is a whole lot kinder to girls who are thin and pretty. Hell, America Ferrera is considered to be a "big girl" at a size 6.

[masherscf]

Why do I want to? Because I weigh too much. It's not like I'm 5'7" and weigh 100. I have weight to lose, another 12 or so just to get to the top end of "healthy."

Then what?

Will you wake up that morning and see a smart, beautiful women that everyone will love?

Will you discover at long last that skinny people are happier?

Or, will it just be more of the same.

You know, I weight 250 pounds. I know that "the world" is kinder to heavy men than women. I'm out of shape from lack of exercise and that doesn't please me. But, overall, I'm a pretty happy person. I have a family that loves me and I'm actually sort of successful in my career. I don't see myself as an ugly person. In fact, many people like to spend time with me. There are worse things.

[tokenuser]

There is nothing wrong with losing weight. I am going through those pains myself at the moment ... but there are ways to do it so that it becomes entrenched as a sustainable part of your lifestyle.

"Fasting" (starvation) is not sustainable.
"Purging" is not doing any of your organs any good.
"Supplements" are supporting only those pushing them onto you at $60/bottle.

You admit to having an eating disorder. Actually, you don't - you admit to having ED. Give it an acronym if it helps you disguise it - but you have a problem.

You need to face those problems. It doesn't sound like you are far from the mark - you are exercising, you are dieting. But you are pushing the exercise and dieting to the point that you are ready to collapse.

Throwing up is a waste of good food. Stop it.

Your problem is not physical - it is mental. You have this ideal that yo are trying to achieve, and rather than doing it in a sustainable way, you are pushing your body faster than it can keep up. What is the root of the desire to be "normal"?

For me it is health. My BP is through the roof.
For you it seems to be acceptance and a need for stable male companionship. I am not a psychologist - but self esteem appears to be your biggest problem, not an ED. Fix the esteem issues, and the Ed will straighten itself out.

You are not your bank balance. You are not your boyfriend. You are not your apartment. You are not your Ikea furnishings. You are not your Old Navy warddrobe. Its easy to establish who you are NOT, but a psychologist will help you find out who you ARE.

Not going to go to a pshycologist? Great - try surfing the self help book section at B&N. Go online first - find books you are interested in, rank them from negative to positive, and see where you go from there.

Unless you snap out of it soon, you will lose everything.

Time for some tough love.

[masherscf]

You need to face those problems. It doesn't sound like you are far from the mark - you are exercising, you are dieting. But you are pushing the exercise and dieting to the point that you are ready to collapse.

I was thinking that she was probably would have been a good candidate for gastric bypass before she lost so much weight. Alas, it's too late for that..she's too skinny.

[phatlip12]

Aria, you're a beautiful woman...it's upsetting to hear that you're so displeased with yourself. As always, I'm here for you to talk to.

With that said, I'm going to agree with the majority and suggest you talk to a professional to get help with your illness (an eating disorder is a sickness just like being diabetic). Don't be afraid to do whatever it takes to get well again whether it be talking to a therapist or checking into rehab as Masher suggested.

Best of luck to you, we'll get through this!

-Kyle

[dalladubb]

I know you don't know me, nobody here does. I, however, will tell you a story of how you can beat this, but you need to really commit and you boyfriend needs to be in on his part of this or sadly, you'll never recover.

I was once with a beautiful girl, only, she didn't think so. She kept the secret from me for a month or 2 but eventually it came out, Bulimia and Anorexia. See, she would binge and purge, and get depressed she binged in the first place and starve herself for days on end. She was roughly 15 pounds over her suggested BMI (Crock of system that BMI is anyway). Instead of setting the BMI wieght goal for herself she was gonna go 20 pounds under. 100 pounds, though 99 was really the goal.

She began to defend this as a beautiful art when I very respectfully and lovingly disapproved of this (So as not to push her deeper). She instead rebeled against me. She came out with this as if she were coming out as being gay. She began to idolize women who were obviously in a battle with an ED themselves. She began looking for any way possible to justify these actions. She used Google, Yahoo, MSN and any search engine she could to find people who supported these actions and did these things themselves.

That's when the EXTREME mood swings started. She'd call me for no reason balling her eyes out and as I tried to console her it almost instantly went to severe anger and lashing out for no reason to anything and anybody within range, then like a weakened storm it suddenly stopped and she was calm and happy. Repeat this process several times a day.

Here's where you really need to pay attention if you want to take something from this, your boyfriend should also pay attention. It was time for tough love. However, this needed to be handled extremely delicately. All words needed to be choosen perfectly. There was no room for assumptions of the English language. Everything said needed to mean exactly what it was meant to say, leave no room for the ability to twist these words. I formulated a plan and did some research so I had facts, no assumptions, just facts.

I then got her alone one night. I began to to bring this problem up. Tone is key here. Judge by who you're talking to. In this case, your boyfriend should know you well, he needs to use a tone with you that he knows, you know means business, but in an extrmely concerned way. No anger, nothing negative. No positive either, this is another one of those times you choose carefully. Too much stern attitude will cause problems, too much concern will denote to you that you are in control and will begin defending it again.

Moment of truth, she's 'cornred' so-to-speak. I read reports and info from places like WebMD about the physical and metal reprecussions, I explain that I WILL NOT find her attractive if she continues this. Above all, I let her know I'm doing this out of love for her, otherwise I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't care.

This got through enough, and together we fought to get her to kick this like smoking. She 'relapsed' a bit in the beginning, but it took to the point of me restricting her bathroom access and laying down rules about being alone after anything is eaten. If she eats dinner with me, she knew she had to use the bathroom BEFORE eating because for 45 minutes to one hour after the dinner, she was not to be alone. I talked to a couple of her friends and they did the same. Because she realized she had a problem, she was willing to solve it and I did everything in my power short of abuse of any kind to help.

The short of it:

You know you have a problem, shrinks and such don't work for something like this sadly (My ex tried it and she had the same attitude as you do). It takes people who really love you to help you. Let them help.

I really hope this helps, I've seen all this before and I know how straining on relationships, not to mention your body, this really is from your boyfriend's perspective. He needs to step in more than he has. This problem does not just stop once you hit the goal you started with, no, you want to go farther.

Good luck with all of this.

[skyz]

i was thinking about you as i was out and about today and i thought maybe if you took a yoga class you might achieve some serenity and from serenity you would have a different perspective

you are beautiful

everyone here loves you

and your bf obviously does too

but no one and nothing will make you happy unless you learn to love yourself

you don't have to be perfect to be wonderful you know *hugs*

i knew a model who once told me 'sometimes i curl up on the floor and cry because i am so ugly' and i laughed and said 'all women feel that way sometimes' and she said 'you too' and i said 'of course'

the only difference is that when i feel that way i know that i am just tired or worried or something is bothering me and that it won't last

that in another mood i will assess myself and say 'i can work with this'

[Atom12]

Despite the title, this is a rather serious post. But I do need something to knock sense into me before I lose everything that matters to me. This isn't an easy post at all to even write.

It's no secret I've been struggling with ED, eating little and throwing up what I do eat and taking a ton of ephedra. I was once 400 pounds, and have lost almost 230 of it, over 50 since the end of May alone. I'm about 50 pounds from my target weight right now. Well, not MY target, but the lowest Nick will let me go before breaking up with me (he's concerned that I want to reach 100, and set a lot limit of 120, which is healthy for my height).

I've got a ton of battle scars from all my surgeries, and my boobs just aren't perky due to how much weight I've lost.

Nick's told me though that it's sad that I throw up, and he doesn't like it when I go to the bathroom after eating, even if I really just need to go and not throw up. You know I still won't let him actually see me naked? Hell, we got together in December when I was about 80 more than I am now, and he didn't reject me for my size them. I KNOW he won't reject me now, but don't believe it.

I don't want to keep throwing up, but can't see myself as anything other than a hideous blob, at best. It doesn't help that damned near every girl in the Bay Area is shorter and thinner than me, making me feel like a fat giant. Therapy doesn't help. I fight therapists every step of the way. They're all high and mighty and shit.

Now here's the problem. No matter what I do I can't seem to see myself as okay. No matter how much people I work with and Nick tell me I look good, I either believe they're lying to me or take it as encouragement to keep doing what I'm doing. Part of me knows I'm being stupid, and part of me doesn't care.

So I appeal to you guys (and the few girls) here for help. Real people help. How do I make myself realize, and believe, that I'm okay?

Purely an objective observation...

Your problem is not that you eat to much. The real problem is you put too much value in what others think of you (or should I say what you think others think of you.) You sounds like you are letting it define you. To get right with yourself you need get to the bottom of that.

Like others have said, therapy can help. Doing it yourself can be an even more difficult process, but it can be done. But you need to look back at your past and see where that behavior was learned and unlearn it. It will help with a lot. Everything from self-control to self-worth.

Never try to be part of the pack and become what others say you should be (internally or externally.) Always be yourself, and if that means your more curvy than the beanpole next to you, so be it. Life is to short to be hung up on things like that. I've seen your posts, your a smart-cookie. You'll be fine.:)

Hope that helps.

[skyz]

beautiful twig (http://revision3.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7756&page=101)

i set this up in the hot girls thread with you in mind sweetie

got totally dissed and killed the thread :D

[MacGuffin]

So I appeal to you guys (and the few girls) here for help. Real people help. How do I make myself realize, and believe, that I'm okay?
Seriously, this is not real people help. You need to consult friends that you are close to, that you know in real life.

Your problem is not that you eat to much. The real problem is you put too much value in what others think of you (or should I say what you think others think of you.) You sounds like you are letting it define you. To get right with yourself you need get to the bottom of that.
Correct.

[phatlip12]

Aria,

In order to fix your eating disorder you'll first have to fix your self-esteem. We were discussing ones self-esteem in my Interpersonal Communications class tonight so I'll share with you some of my notes and ideas on the matter. Just so you know, you were on my mind the whole time we were discussing these things!

1) To fix your self-esteem you must first destroy your self-destructive tendency's. Try to find the good out of bad events or things that displease you.

2) Loose the belief that you must succeed in everything you do- nobody is perfect.

3) Loose the belief that you must be liked/loved by everyone. If somebody looks down on your or has something against you thats their problem. There missing out on one hell of a person.

4) You are your own self, stop trying to be that "better person".

5) Surround yourself around nourishing people

6) Work on projects that you are guaranteed to be a success on. Do a few each day, write them down and look them over and reflect on your accomplishments by the end of the day/week/month.

Here is a link our professor mentioned today on helping ones self esteem. She spoke pretty highly of the site, you should give it a look.

http://www.flylady.net/

[phatlip12]

I'm a loyal King of the Hill fan. I was watching a few nights ago and just remembered a quote Bobby made today that I think you should consider (did some searching online and found it). I bold the parts I wanted to bring attention to.

Background: Peggy is talking about being dissatisfied with her feet.

Peggy: You don't understand, Bobby. I actually let myself be tricked into thinking THESE were beautiful. Can you imagine?
Bobby: I can imagine. I'm fat.
Peggy: No. No, honey. You're husky. That's what it says on your jeans.
Bobby: Mom. I'm fat. But big deal. I don't feel bad about it. You never made me feel bad about it. And just because there are some people in the world who want me to feel bad about it, doesn't mean I have to. So Bobby Hill's fat. Eh. He's also funny, he's nice, he's got a lot of friends, a girlfriend . . . and if you don't mind, I think I'll go outside right now and squirt her with water. What are you gonna do?

[phatlip12]

Sorry...3 posts in a row

One other thing I think you should consider is group therapy. Talking to other people going through the same thing you're going through may be beneficial.

[rabidbadger]

Such wisdom from someone so young!

[skyz]

Such wisdom from someone so young!

:) right compassion is the highest wisdom :)

when she gets into her college 5 year plan undoubtedly they will have such groups or connections to such groups as they are the same age groups (college and eating disorders)

[thear]

You lack discipline!

[skyz]

You lack discipline!

like i just said compassion is wisdom :rolleyes:

[DeathBlossom]

work out at a gym, get those endorfin out, they say the more of em you get going the happier you feel :D, i know this works cuz i was happy every day i went to the gym ^^