Submit!!

[poop]

This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper in Georgia


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. AT&T just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat - I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[instmsgrs]

This was sent to us ages ago and was just reminded of it again. Check it out on Urlesque:

http://www.urlesque.com/2008/11/07/b...e-of-a-spider/

Man tries to pay bill with a spider picture.

[instmsgrs]

Originally Posted by poop

This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper in Georgia


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 AM EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. AT&T just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat - I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

We heart you, Poop. So great!

[instmsgrs]

Your Name: XXX
Your Email: XXX
Subject: Hippies
Message: A great, weird blog post that was written a couple of years ago about owning your own personal hippie.

http://vintagecaveman.com/2008/02/27...e-buy-a-hippy/

[instmsgrs]

Thanks, Kate-Madonna!

Your Name: Kate-Madonna
Your Email:
Subject: Six Felonies Later...
Message:

Met a guy. He came and volunteered at an event we had, then back to our celebration party. Well? Turns out homeboy had about 7 felonies. We drank with an escaped convict.
No joke.
I made out with an escaped convict.

...So that's good, right?

[rylab]

http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/20/power-glove-me.jpg

[instmsgrs]

Originally Posted by rylab

http://www.geekologie.com/2009/12/20/power-glove-me.jpg

Thanks, Rylab!
My favorite is that it says, "no nerds." Were they looking for cheerleaders?!?!...Ok, probably.

This would make a nice book-end piece to Gamer from Digital Date.

[instmsgrs]

Thanks, Ernesto. Had no idea that you could do a mw4mw.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...389161361.html

To the guy doing my wife at my house - mw4mw

Date: 2009-09-23, 2:40PM PDT

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry; I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentally challenged.

7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8. When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Sunset State Beach Camping on the 26th of September for two days; I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

[instmsgrs]

Don't we all! Things haven't changed much, almost 6 years later.

Thanks, Zach, for this Craiglist find:

Best of Craiglist Chicago: Date: 2004-03-24, 4:38PM CST

I came to this company a couple of years ago, all eager to be a part of the "team", got a nice kick up from my last job and a cool office with a view of the river. Yeah, that was a good day, came into work with my picutres and shit, degrees, put them on the wall, called my secretary and....yup, she was hot. I was pumped. Not yet thirty, making bank and real people asking me my opinion about professional shit.

It's hard to mark the moment when this turned into a living hell. It was pretty gradual, though I would have to say last labor day was a turning point. I worked the whole weekend, putting shit together on a deal that had gone south but was being hopelessly backrigged to pass for done in hopes of saving a massive account that some management asshole had buggered beyond repair. I was on a conference call, with 1. A guy in the parking lot of a big ten stadium for a ball game, 2. a woman in colorado in a chalet taking a break from the slopes, 3. a guy on a sailboat going under the golden gate. I was the only one at work. And, big point here, I was not the one who fucked up the deal. He was in Bermuda, and couldn't be on the call because he was probably being rubbed down by cabana boys on the fucking company dime.

Since then, it's been "trending down". Instead of interesting, funny and brilliant team players, I see my coworkers as a pack of fuck-eyed ass monkeys trolling for bagels and a 90 minute lunch. They duck work like the Republican Guard around here. Instead of an inspired leadership, I see the managers as a boatload of cackling seagulls who smell of shit and are typically way too far above head to do anything useful, except maybe write a scathing memo once in a while. My office is the fucking Death Star. I can feel the life being sucked out of me, honestly. I think this is called burnout, but I can't be sure. I'm working too many hours to spend time researching what that means. If I start thinking about buying a gun, I'll look it up. In the meantime, somebody has to update the client while the ass monkeys all go to Nick and Tony's for the third time this week. My secretary likes me, but that's just bad. I desperately want to fuck her silly, but can't for more reasons than I can possibly think of. Top 2 - her boyfriend is LARGE, and my girlfriend is great. Every time she comes in my office to "talk", I fain total concentration on something else and tell her I'm busy.

I'm contemplating my escape. Frankly, I'd like to repel down the side of the building, hop into a speedboat and make-off with the bearer bonds like bruce fucking willis, but it's not likely. I could shop around, but really, the market is not right to get caught with your zipper down. I could be unemployed, which, well, would be bad.

So I have a few resolutions, we'll call them Sanity Savers, in the spirit of every dumbass HR presentation I ever had to sit through:

1. 40 hour weeks, starting now. Which means I got friday off, motherfuckers.

2. Casual attire. I'm sick of getting dressed for you fuckwads. I've got jeans too, you know. They're dirty, and I'll be wearing them tomorrow. That way, I can be the one who ducks the client every tuesday. Ha.

3. Long lunches. Next time the little flock off assholes heads off to Nick and Tony's, I'll be there already, tying one on at the bar. Oh yeah, lunch drinking is back!

4. Progress Reports. I'm going to start issuing less and less, until, eventually, nobody knows where the fuck anything is at. I'm also going to start writing really pointless, lengthy memos that I compose while shitfaced. You can anticipate lots of expletives.

5. Closed Door Policy. I'm sick of people poking their heads in my office "to say hi", so I'm closing the door permanently. I will then be much more able to look at porn, read CL and Friendster my ass into a whole new exsistence right here at my desk. Praise Jebus.

[instmsgrs]

Thanks for sending, Aaron!

Subject: Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady: The fridge doesn't come with a pedigree!
Message: Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady:

I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you've obviously become accustomed to.

Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:

1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you'll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was selling a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I selling a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap car don't get marked up.

2. What part of 'buyer must pick up' in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don't want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the hottest day of the year. No, I'm really really sure I don't want to do that. No, really. I'm sure.

3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 10:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It's a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don't have the fridge's family tree. For all I know the fridge's was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly's side porch. I don't know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few months ago, I used it for a couple of days, ok, I lied, I used it a whole week. The fact is, you're not buying a race horse, you're buying a used fridge.

4. No, I will not knock $10 bucks off the price of the fridge because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch from across my driveway. I'm not making judgements on you, but I'm pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn't send you across the country to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I'd wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you.

5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I'm absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear.

6. No, I don't have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it's cold. Eat or drink crap.

7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don't have any more fridges at that price. No, I don't know where you can get another fridge at that price. Yes, I know it's in great condition for the price, and I'm sure you'd like your other crazy-as-bat-shit-mini-fridge-
buying-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here's a thought, there's this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it's called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there's another mini-fridge being advertised there.

8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you've added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you.


Yours truly,

The mini-fridge seller