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Constipation, Hollywood, and Balls

Sunday, August 9th, 2009 – running time 15:23
The funniest stand-up comics from across the country take on Facebook, burritos, garage sales, and dog weiners.

Segments

Seven nights a week, RooftopComedy.com records live stand-up comedy all around the world and brings you the best of it. These are our favorite jokes about Facebook, burritos, garage sales, dog weiners, and a bunch of other hilarious, disgusting, true stuff. I'm sure you have some hilarious jokes about that stuff too, but trust me, this is better. For more jokes that are better than yours, head over to RooftopComedy.com.

Comedians
Billy Wayne Davis, Moshe Kasher, Erik Allen, Bob Biggerstaff, Costaki Economopoulos, Kevin Avery, Cy Amundson, Dan Cummins, Maggie Faris, Pete Dominick

Billy Wayne Davis

EqualiT-Shirt

00:00

Play

Moshe Kasher

One * Done

00:33

Play

Erik Allen

Hate Update

02:38

Play

Bob Biggerstaff

Lame Gang

03:38

Play

Costaki Economopoulos

No Poop

05:06

Play

Kevin Avery

Tough Role

06:22

Play

Cy Amundson

Kitsch Bitch

07:29

Play

Dan Cummins

Self Love

10:11

Play

Maggie Faris

Wang Slang

11:32

Play

Pete Dominick

Scream Rinse

12:56

Play

Highlights

netflix: 4:42
astle: 5:40
mixed messages: 5:36

Automatically Generated Transcript

May not be 100% accurate

" Rednecks. And gay -- It's true it is. So what I've noticed what they hate more than each other. Sleeps."

" I don't I look though I don't always look. I don't maybe I don't look like the most masculine berth in the world but I will say that I am an incredible love."

" I get it you want me to examine a credible love I want them an incredible lever 2000 Erica but I will say this. Every time I make love to woman. Every time. I have an orgasm. 100%. Of the time I heard a lot of talk about people they can get it never happened to me if that's what I have orgasm. Right here. No physical contact initiate it doesn't even feel physically possible the boys got skills that's right. The best part of the story is that it was a person I wasn't should have been with in the first place that was kind of up -- not a good situation if you didn't notice what happened to those wearing protection which is smart like had a pretended like -- had a moment of prudence like I thought better of a quick. There's a bad idea. If you know anything about a -- physiology your psychology you will know that if not physically possible perhaps the thought. This is a bad idea real orgasm right here you're already done for majority in the -- you're in -- tractor beam and it. You are going to -- deep space nine at the others do it. You might try to pull up -- just gonna get. But -- not the camp coming up the walls of the gravitational pull of earth get a copy it architects will thicket of what -- that if there's no way out of that at that moment. Not after you have your got them now by the time to pick and -- bad idea. If all of the bad idea if you ever had a there's gotta be speculated out of you what bill -- there's -- moment in a man let me go. In his mind he -- body in the moment after orgasm with all of the bad idea -- gone because. Stevens actually made of bad ideas that. It's made a bad idea that cloudy judgment with black body color that everybody knows that. Without dropping acknowledged as well as -- tonight."

" I hate I hate FaceBook. Or -- our FaceBook and I hate FaceBook. Because like I can't say no database of someone tries to -- me I feel obligated befriend them. It also now anytime come on FaceBook it's like being at a party with that she is guess -- I can imagine. And you like my ninth grade history teachers there and my old -- is there and like my real bad I don't know is there going. Just awkward and it's not as well actually friend to him. What but the thing is is Mario that doesn't know that we're friends on FaceBook -- he isn't on skid that. So to take him like I'm just the 25 year old guy from Minneapolis they keep sending him glitter graphics all the time. Of like a father's son he. And it's a question marks. You're from -- its home page you'll be 25 years birthday presents what Baghdad."

" How did you Paul -- Perino place the other day desert and that's what -- real places where they make you Marino as you walk down the line. And the guy making my breed out at a big tattoo on his -- They also had like three little tear drop -- to -- Yeah if."

" My knowledge of law and order is correct. And -- got to make an embryo has recently killed three people. It's like you want but while that might only you think any Guatemala. I can probably do without is cool people whenever I'm just gonna get elected to bucks anyway. On the government -- things I don't. Not really hungry."

" When I was a kid. We used to go to the video store and the only movie. I would ever let my parents -- for me was that Alvin and the chip monks movie where they did a balloon race around the world. I sat recently. And it was really racist. Netflix has over a 100000 titles online. In -- you don't want to let your kids watch. Racist movies over and over and over and over again and pay late fees on them Netflix plans start from 499 and as a new member you can get and no risk two week free trial membership to check it out at www. Netflix.com. Slash are less now. And don't be race."

" It's very rewarding to be a father and if and I know I did it take a little crying -- changer and older and -- few things in the she's totally happy content it's awesome and I totally -- or seven months another mother for five years. And when she tries I still have no idea what to do like."

" I think you're -- driver opener next time and a and his mixed messages too because they change the baby -- hero stretches Caroline I'm an astle. Very tricky. So beautiful little daughter did not do for two days in a -- right Carolina's freaking out knowing what he forgot about is like a dream come true we. We have a baby you does not that we went like me. This legacy of those watermelon when it. Scientists are gonna come and try to study -- to replicate this going forward."

" The other ripping you like being blanketed him in heaven is always. And this look it's always we just because you don't like I going to the addition to all the time a lot lot of us to be acting things both legally -- laughed -- him realize his lap time. -- Hollywood at the good replica. -- You don't mean but the very first -- and in Hollywood that the role was birth. Of that but don't ever want that was a -- not a Republican. Actually but you know one. You look at all the grill is okay okay -- the dean's strategy it up a little bit you know. Right up until they got vision if the other -- there not acted. Yet even elected in the freckles the -- has his own political hot head McCain at the monocle and but how are you can't cut. I just thought I'd get -- that we could -- hoarded. That we -- about a big Disney known but well. Can mix."

" And need. I like that spring's coming up that means garage -- coming up. -- I'm -- folks. And it's not does that mean you -- golf clubs have 5:14 AM. For me it's about the competition. I can get a better price than those ladies went and did it. So -- show up. Find some might just have to have. Taken after the Conner get the haggling started. So. This book on whales. City good. Fast fact everything at a garage sale is good and I know he's not the way outlook here."

" Okay."

" I didn't know that much about whales Steve's day that the grades. It's time for me to make my move but I gotta be suddenly you know it's. -- who education's important. It says I'm here. To 45 cents. Boom boom. -- maybe do fifteen. Cents. They can never answer you right away -- has got to ask one of the fourteen other village women working at the garage sale. June -- June -- June yet. -- me Judah. The book on what -- the -- don't block. The wanted to Hawaii healthy dating right there. I don't know what is the court to that he's he's accused. I think we can do that yeah. Think we can make fifteen cents work for you today. And at that point I have one. But I don't let it out yet but I wait because there's a better moment. But she needs to know I've beaten. And then she gets me that moment -- okay that's going to be fifteen cents I'll cook and fifteen cents. It's got changed -- more. I think now about whales. -- Judith I won't vote one way it."

" has what you need dot com names as low as dominant in this world class hosting. Fast and easy web site builders and much more also be sure to check out revision3.com. Forward slash godaddy. For all of ruffled godaddy deals and knows. Godaddy."

" The suns are better he discovered himself he's got a month. His voice that definitely girls like we don't know we have outside parts immediately. House I was prepared him to find himself not prepared for the way he reacted to himself. Because I expect like bonuses -- now he sought hated it he wanted to gone. He attacked himself like a rabid animal the -- squeezed so hard to make my knees -- watching. Just know squeeze cool. Rout pickle commence. Re doing."

" Pretty -- that."

" We went we went to the pediatrician. Specifically. This reason she was like that's such a completely normal for boys. I have doesn't know."

" That's how my friends my process stress."

" He's just been really bad -- and Bob. --"

" Yeah I just want to be known for her to do. Things before that -- is today. One or single handedly bringing back the curtsy. Well yes. -- it is flat. Nice to meet him. Nice to me yeah. Also want to make this. This phrase really cool on. Let it -- isn't as cool that he's an online and I love them in a minute I'll."

" It was dot big cool. This compare everything they would not stick. Yeah as good -- yeah."

" gonna double black diamonds are."

" But in dogging on them."

" And yeah cool."

" The ladies -- lady."

" Your -- war."

" That's nice to meet you."

" My wife and I."

" We fight a lot because apparently I love to lose. I'm always wrong I'm not being sarcastic aren't always wrong way sharp but the main but I think I think I I wanna share with you one fight. And see whose side to come down on try to be objective men versus women my wife told me I do the laundry while white told me. That it has bring them laundry she goes in the challenge takes that we of those plastic sponges and she takes a sponge off. The challenge because that these in the laundry or go. While -- while I wash sponges. -- their dirty ago. But beg to -- have used them. Yeah how might. That the cleanest things we have. -- You can't get the soap -- of them. That's how clean out that comfort insult to the major invention you've closed budget with a body -- it done with the shall we squeeze out whatever leathers left. And then you rinse it out then you go and more comes out."

" You actually sit there at some point and --"

" Our cuisine and rich which we directed eventually exposure I gotta go I can't I can't I can't get to sell now so what -- thing is it's the clear thing we. I'm like you want me don't wash the soap with the mother so let -- and what's greater than these applicants sponges. I just watched that. I give up I lost him but haven't I haven't idiot at the room in the dry air but plastics -- I gotta think about that either melted melted into a tight little plastic ball in the strength but didn't sit --"

" a dumb little sponges tonight why the hell would you put the dry up but. Well I watched them -- yeah I watched that politically it that we end. He wants them and -- they're not. Ninth and -- they are doing very quiet more bloodshed what do it well."

" The truth yeah."

" Rednecks. And gay -- It's true it is. So what I've noticed what they hate more than each other. Sleeps."

" I don't I look though I don't always look. I don't maybe I don't look like the most masculine berth in the world but I will say that I am an incredible love."

" I get it you want me to examine a credible love I want them an incredible lever 2000 Erica but I will say this. Every time I make love to woman. Every time. I have an orgasm. 100%. Of the time I heard a lot of talk about people they can get it never happened to me if that's what I have orgasm. Right here. No physical contact initiate it doesn't even feel physically possible the boys got skills that's right. The best part of the story is that it was a person I wasn't should have been with in the first place that was kind of up -- not a good situation if you didn't notice what happened to those wearing protection which is smart like had a pretended like -- had a moment of prudence like I thought better of a quick. There's a bad idea. If you know anything about a -- physiology your psychology you will know that if not physically possible perhaps the thought. This is a bad idea real orgasm right here you're already done for majority in the -- you're in -- tractor beam and it. You are going to -- deep space nine at the others do it. You might try to pull up -- just gonna get. But -- not the camp coming up the walls of the gravitational pull of earth get a copy it architects will thicket of what -- that if there's no way out of that at that moment. Not after you have your got them now by the time to pick and -- bad idea. If all of the bad idea if you ever had a there's gotta be speculated out of you what bill -- there's -- moment in a man let me go. In his mind he -- body in the moment after orgasm with all of the bad idea -- gone because. Stevens actually made of bad ideas that. It's made a bad idea that cloudy judgment with black body color that everybody knows that. Without dropping acknowledged as well as -- tonight."

" I hate I hate FaceBook. Or -- our FaceBook and I hate FaceBook. Because like I can't say no database of someone tries to -- me I feel obligated befriend them. It also now anytime come on FaceBook it's like being at a party with that she is guess -- I can imagine. And you like my ninth grade history teachers there and my old -- is there and like my real bad I don't know is there going. Just awkward and it's not as well actually friend to him. What but the thing is is Mario that doesn't know that we're friends on FaceBook -- he isn't on skid that. So to take him like I'm just the 25 year old guy from Minneapolis they keep sending him glitter graphics all the time. Of like a father's son he. And it's a question marks. You're from -- its home page you'll be 25 years birthday presents what Baghdad."

" How did you Paul -- Perino place the other day desert and that's what -- real places where they make you Marino as you walk down the line. And the guy making my breed out at a big tattoo on his -- They also had like three little tear drop -- to -- Yeah if."

" My knowledge of law and order is correct. And -- got to make an embryo has recently killed three people. It's like you want but while that might only you think any Guatemala. I can probably do without is cool people whenever I'm just gonna get elected to bucks anyway. On the government -- things I don't. Not really hungry."

" When I was a kid. We used to go to the video store and the only movie. I would ever let my parents -- for me was that Alvin and the chip monks movie where they did a balloon race around the world. I sat recently. And it was really racist. Netflix has over a 100000 titles online. In -- you don't want to let your kids watch. Racist movies over and over and over and over again and pay late fees on them Netflix plans start from 499 and as a new member you can get and no risk two week free trial membership to check it out at www. Netflix.com. Slash are less now. And don't be race."

" It's very rewarding to be a father and if and I know I did it take a little crying -- changer and older and -- few things in the she's totally happy content it's awesome and I totally -- or seven months another mother for five years. And when she tries I still have no idea what to do like."

" I think you're -- driver opener next time and a and his mixed messages too because they change the baby -- hero stretches Caroline I'm an astle. Very tricky. So beautiful little daughter did not do for two days in a -- right Carolina's freaking out knowing what he forgot about is like a dream come true we. We have a baby you does not that we went like me. This legacy of those watermelon when it. Scientists are gonna come and try to study -- to replicate this going forward."

" The other ripping you like being blanketed him in heaven is always. And this look it's always we just because you don't like I going to the addition to all the time a lot lot of us to be acting things both legally -- laughed -- him realize his lap time. -- Hollywood at the good replica. -- You don't mean but the very first -- and in Hollywood that the role was birth. Of that but don't ever want that was a -- not a Republican. Actually but you know one. You look at all the grill is okay okay -- the dean's strategy it up a little bit you know. Right up until they got vision if the other -- there not acted. Yet even elected in the freckles the -- has his own political hot head McCain at the monocle and but how are you can't cut. I just thought I'd get -- that we could -- hoarded. That we -- about a big Disney known but well. Can mix."

" And need. I like that spring's coming up that means garage -- coming up. -- I'm -- folks. And it's not does that mean you -- golf clubs have 5:14 AM. For me it's about the competition. I can get a better price than those ladies went and did it. So -- show up. Find some might just have to have. Taken after the Conner get the haggling started. So. This book on whales. City good. Fast fact everything at a garage sale is good and I know he's not the way outlook here."

" Okay."

" I didn't know that much about whales Steve's day that the grades. It's time for me to make my move but I gotta be suddenly you know it's. -- who education's important. It says I'm here. To 45 cents. Boom boom. -- maybe do fifteen. Cents. They can never answer you right away -- has got to ask one of the fourteen other village women working at the garage sale. June -- June -- June yet. -- me Judah. The book on what -- the -- don't block. The wanted to Hawaii healthy dating right there. I don't know what is the court to that he's he's accused. I think we can do that yeah. Think we can make fifteen cents work for you today. And at that point I have one. But I don't let it out yet but I wait because there's a better moment. But she needs to know I've beaten. And then she gets me that moment -- okay that's going to be fifteen cents I'll cook and fifteen cents. It's got changed -- more. I think now about whales. -- Judith I won't vote one way it."

" has what you need dot com names as low as dominant in this world class hosting. Fast and easy web site builders and much more also be sure to check out revision3.com. Forward slash godaddy. For all of ruffled godaddy deals and knows. Godaddy."

" The suns are better he discovered himself he's got a month. His voice that definitely girls like we don't know we have outside parts immediately. House I was prepared him to find himself not prepared for the way he reacted to himself. Because I expect like bonuses -- now he sought hated it he wanted to gone. He attacked himself like a rabid animal the -- squeezed so hard to make my knees -- watching. Just know squeeze cool. Rout pickle commence. Re doing."

" Pretty -- that."

" We went we went to the pediatrician. Specifically. This reason she was like that's such a completely normal for boys. I have doesn't know."

" That's how my friends my process stress."

" He's just been really bad -- and Bob. --"

" Yeah I just want to be known for her to do. Things before that -- is today. One or single handedly bringing back the curtsy. Well yes. -- it is flat. Nice to meet him. Nice to me yeah. Also want to make this. This phrase really cool on. Let it -- isn't as cool that he's an online and I love them in a minute I'll."

" It was dot big cool. This compare everything they would not stick. Yeah as good -- yeah."

" gonna double black diamonds are."

" But in dogging on them."

" And yeah cool."

" The ladies -- lady."

" Your -- war."

" That's nice to meet you."

" My wife and I."

" We fight a lot because apparently I love to lose. I'm always wrong I'm not being sarcastic aren't always wrong way sharp but the main but I think I think I I wanna share with you one fight. And see whose side to come down on try to be objective men versus women my wife told me I do the laundry while white told me. That it has bring them laundry she goes in the challenge takes that we of those plastic sponges and she takes a sponge off. The challenge because that these in the laundry or go. While -- while I wash sponges. -- their dirty ago. But beg to -- have used them. Yeah how might. That the cleanest things we have. -- You can't get the soap -- of them. That's how clean out that comfort insult to the major invention you've closed budget with a body -- it done with the shall we squeeze out whatever leathers left. And then you rinse it out then you go and more comes out."

" You actually sit there at some point and --"

" Our cuisine and rich which we directed eventually exposure I gotta go I can't I can't I can't get to sell now so what -- thing is it's the clear thing we. I'm like you want me don't wash the soap with the mother so let -- and what's greater than these applicants sponges. I just watched that. I give up I lost him but haven't I haven't idiot at the room in the dry air but plastics -- I gotta think about that either melted melted into a tight little plastic ball in the strength but didn't sit --"

" a dumb little sponges tonight why the hell would you put the dry up but. Well I watched them -- yeah I watched that politically it that we end. He wants them and -- they're not. Ninth and -- they are doing very quiet more bloodshed what do it well."

" The truth yeah."

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