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Marriage, Going Bald, and Babies

Sunday, October 18th, 2009 – running time 13:38
The funniest stand-up comics from across the country take on ghosts, babies, and bumper stickers.

Segments

Show Seven nights a week, RooftopComedy.com records live stand-up comedy all around the world and brings you the best of it. These are our favorite jokes about ghosts, babies, bumper stickers, and a bunch of other hilarious, disgusting, true stuff. I'm sure you have some hilarious jokes about that stuff too, but trust me, this is better. For more jokes that are better than yours, head over to RooftopComedy.com.

Living with Ghosts

Who left a post-it on the dishes that says, "BOOOOOOOOO?"

00:30

Play

Going to the Doctor

"Hands-On Health Care" could mean a number of things. This is the wrong thing.

01:38

Play

How old is your baby?

FYI, I stopped listening to you 2,595 seconds ago. Just to be exact.

03:15

Play

Lotion Surprise

Oh, that light you see is simply my glistening personality

05:47

Play

Marriage Vows

Let's write our own vows... in pencil...

06:36

Play

Bumper Stickers

Why put an opinion I don't like on your bumper? Bumpers are made for ramming into.

07:14

Play

Hair Loss Sucks

Missing: 100,000 individual follicles, various colors, answers to the name "Manhood"

09:25

Play

Family Feud

Survey says: I hate you people!

10:27

Play

Highlights Magazine

Hey Kids! Can you find all the hidden special interest propaganda in this picture?

12:42

Play

Comedians: Linda Aarons, Andy Ritchie, Chad Daniels, Daniel Kinno, Rahn Hortman, Kyle Grooms, Auggie Smith, Robert Hawkins, Cy Amundson, Doug Mellard

Highlights

jack nicholson: 8:55
communist china: 8:29
disco ball: 6:15
netflix: 1:35, 9:11

Automatically Generated Transcript

May not be 100% accurate

" I think pretty much everything some."

" I isn't slammed a pessimist. Well that and the fact that whenever -- plus the latter I think. -- can then be back."

" My apartment is haunted. The Korea. And it's a studio apartment so I can't even go in the other room. Click -- and and again I see you your four feet away from him not gonna hang out in the bathroom. I wanna get rid of my cranky saudis like a self proclaimed goes extras like do you wanna get ready your -- yet to help it. Look at how are you talking about that yet that's the reason that goes contact human beings because they need your help to complete something they weren't able to complete what they're alive. Michael that's fine but they can ask a lot nicer. That's real scary and I want something from someone and I can be like yeah. -- driver like. And never gonna get anything out right. Set aside when I die if I become a ghost -- that in most reasonable goes ever. Like when I -- people jump on a wall like well okay I know this is weird to hear me out to. Can you please mailed back my Netflix. "

" I thought ahead on a long time. -- The South -- street street is no real reason behind them. Doctors medical professional opinion on these ships in the game. When I went to check if I had probably took my -- and I never indexed. She didn't have her index. To take the -- I was drinking aspect what are you like I don't know didn't know -- on the soft part of my arm. So I can believe it when I'm talking yeah it's. Up to do. I don't care they don't -- Navistar. When I don't why don't people -- see the difference. Like hey look at my star -- Bruno and throws. Just cause -- circumcision -- is it. -- Tonight how are eager to -- your life. This just gonna get your -- on."

" Six months Alina well like -- when young parents insist on only of their baby's age in months past well. That annoys me I don't know why if you ever get today's topic. Nobody cares about the exact age. We asked them to hold your baby -- month but you."

" Throw in a math problem let me."

" Nice so they don't give a healthy baby is. That's not a big -- up like Gaza and."

" This is --"

" I was at a plane and this lady had a baby and just people I don't know how old's your baby. And she goes eighteen month. And I go oh yeah and how. Horrible security the peak month. -- and also look a year and a half. They keep me -- maybe and a Mayan calendar. She actually got mad and just stayed out some might call okay you have to make funny. The doctors like to keep their age in months when they're that young to helping to monitor their progress better."

" I was the price."

" I'm not a doctor I would already doctor's office -- Run -- and you you're Nashville babies anoint this government."

" Now. -- you. And rich yeah. Yeah. Funny and you and you haven't I. Haven't used it. -- and many hundred hot and it's about time because -- free and there's some -- and any. And yeah to commit it like it's stupid bully. And you can check out Revision 3 that comes at any -- comes -- just aren't the best if you want to save. And auditor Rockwell could already be it isn't and this constant cool it and and -- pretty. What I want you. As you mean. Okay."

" I mean I noticed wanted to be. What's that black family we like to put -- home before we need a house. She gave it is most is good it's no great hay literary."

" I don't staged a black a little black Disco ball. "

" who just on how let me after the show. You lose up this."

" You definitely don't be just our. Twinkle twinkle little star."

" He may have found a way only get married you know. This little thing evident with me soon. This like a lot of stuff -- and -- really wanna do forever you know I like ice cream at a when he gets. He's -- the council for ever to look away. You promised on such -- respect powerful little well. Yeah they do for a little web. Stillman knows the rat."

" If you have an idea. Bumper sticker that your car I'm glad your child's doing so well elementary school. -- it with kid quit trying to change the path of my existence in the brief period of time that I am behind you in traffic. Of the political messages on the bumper stickers. Really. Political bumper stickers we don't. Hate each other traffic enough already. Let's bring politics into it this much talent. Something to drive a larger wedge between us on the roadways is currently needed. Driving down the street -- impediment abortion stops a beating heart that it really did it. Break here beleaguered zoo in Kansas and I'm kind of -- of -- NN. Anti gay marriage ones are what matter lot of woman yeah on this though nine into the."

" Free event sure yeah. Let me just drop off my dry cleaning and I'll put together our rag tag army and go over drove Communist China. Yeah -- fast enough Gloria Volvo."

" Apparently Jesus when you leave that as. Harness and you'll profanity. Out of his window is what Jesus would be doing according tooling around in affordable 115 with a guy and Iraq."

" Obsessive compulsive disorder. Jack Nicholson. What I call my private parts. We. Both. All right. As good as it gets. Ma. Netflix has over 100000. Titles and shipping centers across the country -- get most titles within one business day. Go to WWW netflix.com slash -- for -- no risk two week free trial membership."

" I thought commercial are you concerned about airline. -- Used to be concerns. Now I'm angry. Darren is the wrong word. Nostalgic. -- Time to kill people -- My hair is leaving me turning three different colors now. Like my -- having thought. I don't even -- higher margins blow in the neighbor's yard. My whole life people told me it was strawberry blonde and that'll make kids feel macho right there. Yeah someone -- tropical fruit to distract you."

" Anybody know like the show family feud. How all right what a good shall not I wanna I wanna take my family on the show's over I had. The issue is so when you take your family on there you're required to introduce them. And all the guys who usually on the show to do it so enthusiastically."

" But I and then everybody -- the job seems. I'm -- my brother David my best friend in the world. If we're oh his wife -- the top nursing knowledge Cincinnati."

" My dad -- retired live and highlight."

" And my mom still makes the best brownies and I'll just sit."

" This is a lot of excitement for your family enough room. I get try to get that riled up I just don't know how well it would go. Hey everybody how where they Ahmanson is -- side. This is my father Bruce he's constantly reminded me how I haven't lived up to his expectations. Without -- dad. My brother Greg Sargent face those made 300 dollars keep jay -- keep Trenton --"

" This drive -- huge borrow my mama just crime backstage look let out."

" The only thing about the feud is good. Anytime a family member asked answer the question everybody's got it excitedly support them I don't have good answer path. I would be the worst at the out of all the time didn't. Dad. Guerrilla yeah. Good answer to agencies. Now he's got to hope you know. 100 people answer that question is also a complete and retard -- you see this. They do not have closing kitchen drawers throughout the family."

" The great magazine hi I think kids magazine. I've may have been -- up until -- and I can get past the front cover. Because on the front covers that have anything either hung that picture. They got and I'll put everything. To budget beavers wearing flannel doing construction. And health news on sort of hidden lesbian agenda was weird. -- guys laugh if you're smart. Knoxville Tennessee did not get that you get all it."

" Yeah."

" I think pretty much everything some."

" I isn't slammed a pessimist. Well that and the fact that whenever -- plus the latter I think. -- can then be back."

" My apartment is haunted. The Korea. And it's a studio apartment so I can't even go in the other room. Click -- and and again I see you your four feet away from him not gonna hang out in the bathroom. I wanna get rid of my cranky saudis like a self proclaimed goes extras like do you wanna get ready your -- yet to help it. Look at how are you talking about that yet that's the reason that goes contact human beings because they need your help to complete something they weren't able to complete what they're alive. Michael that's fine but they can ask a lot nicer. That's real scary and I want something from someone and I can be like yeah. -- driver like. And never gonna get anything out right. Set aside when I die if I become a ghost -- that in most reasonable goes ever. Like when I -- people jump on a wall like well okay I know this is weird to hear me out to. Can you please mailed back my Netflix. "

" I thought ahead on a long time. -- The South -- street street is no real reason behind them. Doctors medical professional opinion on these ships in the game. When I went to check if I had probably took my -- and I never indexed. She didn't have her index. To take the -- I was drinking aspect what are you like I don't know didn't know -- on the soft part of my arm. So I can believe it when I'm talking yeah it's. Up to do. I don't care they don't -- Navistar. When I don't why don't people -- see the difference. Like hey look at my star -- Bruno and throws. Just cause -- circumcision -- is it. -- Tonight how are eager to -- your life. This just gonna get your -- on."

" Six months Alina well like -- when young parents insist on only of their baby's age in months past well. That annoys me I don't know why if you ever get today's topic. Nobody cares about the exact age. We asked them to hold your baby -- month but you."

" Throw in a math problem let me."

" Nice so they don't give a healthy baby is. That's not a big -- up like Gaza and."

" This is --"

" I was at a plane and this lady had a baby and just people I don't know how old's your baby. And she goes eighteen month. And I go oh yeah and how. Horrible security the peak month. -- and also look a year and a half. They keep me -- maybe and a Mayan calendar. She actually got mad and just stayed out some might call okay you have to make funny. The doctors like to keep their age in months when they're that young to helping to monitor their progress better."

" I was the price."

" I'm not a doctor I would already doctor's office -- Run -- and you you're Nashville babies anoint this government."

" Now. -- you. And rich yeah. Yeah. Funny and you and you haven't I. Haven't used it. -- and many hundred hot and it's about time because -- free and there's some -- and any. And yeah to commit it like it's stupid bully. And you can check out Revision 3 that comes at any -- comes -- just aren't the best if you want to save. And auditor Rockwell could already be it isn't and this constant cool it and and -- pretty. What I want you. As you mean. Okay."

" I mean I noticed wanted to be. What's that black family we like to put -- home before we need a house. She gave it is most is good it's no great hay literary."

" I don't staged a black a little black Disco ball. "

" who just on how let me after the show. You lose up this."

" You definitely don't be just our. Twinkle twinkle little star."

" He may have found a way only get married you know. This little thing evident with me soon. This like a lot of stuff -- and -- really wanna do forever you know I like ice cream at a when he gets. He's -- the council for ever to look away. You promised on such -- respect powerful little well. Yeah they do for a little web. Stillman knows the rat."

" If you have an idea. Bumper sticker that your car I'm glad your child's doing so well elementary school. -- it with kid quit trying to change the path of my existence in the brief period of time that I am behind you in traffic. Of the political messages on the bumper stickers. Really. Political bumper stickers we don't. Hate each other traffic enough already. Let's bring politics into it this much talent. Something to drive a larger wedge between us on the roadways is currently needed. Driving down the street -- impediment abortion stops a beating heart that it really did it. Break here beleaguered zoo in Kansas and I'm kind of -- of -- NN. Anti gay marriage ones are what matter lot of woman yeah on this though nine into the."

" Free event sure yeah. Let me just drop off my dry cleaning and I'll put together our rag tag army and go over drove Communist China. Yeah -- fast enough Gloria Volvo."

" Apparently Jesus when you leave that as. Harness and you'll profanity. Out of his window is what Jesus would be doing according tooling around in affordable 115 with a guy and Iraq."

" Obsessive compulsive disorder. Jack Nicholson. What I call my private parts. We. Both. All right. As good as it gets. Ma. Netflix has over 100000. Titles and shipping centers across the country -- get most titles within one business day. Go to WWW netflix.com slash -- for -- no risk two week free trial membership."

" I thought commercial are you concerned about airline. -- Used to be concerns. Now I'm angry. Darren is the wrong word. Nostalgic. -- Time to kill people -- My hair is leaving me turning three different colors now. Like my -- having thought. I don't even -- higher margins blow in the neighbor's yard. My whole life people told me it was strawberry blonde and that'll make kids feel macho right there. Yeah someone -- tropical fruit to distract you."

" Anybody know like the show family feud. How all right what a good shall not I wanna I wanna take my family on the show's over I had. The issue is so when you take your family on there you're required to introduce them. And all the guys who usually on the show to do it so enthusiastically."

" But I and then everybody -- the job seems. I'm -- my brother David my best friend in the world. If we're oh his wife -- the top nursing knowledge Cincinnati."

" My dad -- retired live and highlight."

" And my mom still makes the best brownies and I'll just sit."

" This is a lot of excitement for your family enough room. I get try to get that riled up I just don't know how well it would go. Hey everybody how where they Ahmanson is -- side. This is my father Bruce he's constantly reminded me how I haven't lived up to his expectations. Without -- dad. My brother Greg Sargent face those made 300 dollars keep jay -- keep Trenton --"

" This drive -- huge borrow my mama just crime backstage look let out."

" The only thing about the feud is good. Anytime a family member asked answer the question everybody's got it excitedly support them I don't have good answer path. I would be the worst at the out of all the time didn't. Dad. Guerrilla yeah. Good answer to agencies. Now he's got to hope you know. 100 people answer that question is also a complete and retard -- you see this. They do not have closing kitchen drawers throughout the family."

" The great magazine hi I think kids magazine. I've may have been -- up until -- and I can get past the front cover. Because on the front covers that have anything either hung that picture. They got and I'll put everything. To budget beavers wearing flannel doing construction. And health news on sort of hidden lesbian agenda was weird. -- guys laugh if you're smart. Knoxville Tennessee did not get that you get all it."

" Yeah."

mari1ee

Started discussion: October 19, 2009 @ 10:17am GMT

Episode 24 - Marriage, Going Bald, and Babies [Discussion]

The funniest stand-up comics from across the country take on ghosts, babies, and bumper stickers.

Watch or download this episode now

HumanBeing
about 1 month ago

bleeping?

I'd like to ask again about the bleeping of the Roku-unfriendly words. Is this going to be the way it is from now on, or will you be setting up separate censored and uncensored versions of the videos?
ssjaken
about 1 month ago
In reply to humanbeing:
I'd like to ask again about the bleeping of the Roku-unfriendly words. Is this going to be the way it is from now on, or will you be setting up separate censored and uncensored versions of the videos?


OH so its rokus fault...wow...so diggnation AND TRS is going to be bleeped now. im done with revision3 if this is the case
HumanBeing
about 1 month ago
In reply to ssjaken:
OH so its rokus fault...wow...so diggnation AND TRS is going to be bleeped now. im done with revision3 if this is the case

Strangely, CO-OP is unbleeped. Allegedly, revision3 gets ROFL from a third party, so maybe that third party chose to bleep things. Regardless, I don't understand why someone from revision3 doesn't just say, "Yeah, we're bleeping this from now on" or "It's out of our hands" or "We're trying to make them stop bleeping" or any number of things that would be appropriate and informative.
HumanBeing
about 1 month ago
TRS is unbleeped as well. Who knows what's going on with ROFL...
morberg
about 1 month ago
For a company that is supposed to "get" social they are awfully quiet...
tsantsa
about 30 days ago

Not down with the censoring...

I watch things on the internet that I can't watch on tv. I don't want my internet tv to start acting like old-school tv and edit what I am allowed to hear or see. If this doesn't change, I will stop watching ROFL. Furthermore, if it impedes on my other faves (Diggnation key among them) I will be forced to entertain myself elsewhere.

But then, I'm not a Roku owner...
View all 6 comments