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Pubes, Gaydar, Weed and DUIs

Sunday, November 15th, 2009 – running time 12:34
The funniest stand-up comics from across the country take on being fat, smoking pot, and driving drunk.

Segments

Seven nights a week, RooftopComedy.com records live stand-up comedy all around the world and brings you the best of it. These are our favorite jokes about being fat, smoking pot, driving drunk, and a bunch of other hilarious, disgusting, true stuff. I'm sure you have some hilarious jokes about that stuff too, but trust me, this is better. For more jokes that are better than yours, head over to RooftopComedy.com.

The Hitler Strip

Does the carpet match the drapes? I ask 'cause you're bald.

00:39

Play

Stupid Questions

This is the last time I'm going to answer you: yes you have amnesia.

01:59

Play

The Human Body is a Musical Instrument

Don't ask me which part is the tuba. You don't wanna know.

03:13

Play

Losing the Pot Belly

Here, smoke this. It's called "At Risk Body Mass Index"

06:12

Play

I Hate Small Talk

I'm not very good at making conversation...or sense.

06:46

Play

Google is Racist

Even the internet is out to get me now.

07:39

Play

I Suck at Guy Stuff

Is crocheting considered manly yet?

09:58

Play

DUI Distinctions

Everything is bigger in Texas. Take my blood alcohol level for example.

10:39

Play

Comedians: J Chris Newberg, Chris Hardwick, Lachlan Patterson, Reid Faylor, Nancy Reed, Andy Erikson, Viet Huynh, Tom Segura, Tommy Johnagin, Matt Braunger

Highlights

guys singing: 4:00
george w bush's: 10:56
north korea: 1:22
president bush: 1:49

Automatically Generated Transcript

May not be 100% accurate

" Results for anybody. -- for the remainder."

" One -- That's it."

" the way not to go into its retention but. And an affair where this -- in the adult film industry when a lady. Shades everything but just a little square hair above this arsonist down here. That it's called the Hitler strip. Because it square like Hitler's mustache. Really adult film industry. Was chaplain that's taken -- more fun than Hitler I think. When you take the most awesome thing in the world and name it after the most horrible human being known to mankind. By the way why keep that little square hair right there you don't mean what you hope part of your long ago probably department at North Korea just dollar like it is. And get rid of its. Is that just to -- gentleman callers just to remind you you're not about the they be like why. And I'm not a -- fan by any stretch of the imagination but do you really think this is the legacy that he intended to leave upon bad -- and Dan Halstead President Bush can zip we'll see censorship of flash all odds."

" Many -- drove by the -- mean girls are. -- issues like you get Susan's son talking just the day. Did get back. Moments like. No not days so we keep -- due to -- fifteen minutes later in the conversation things are Gomes well she stops the conversation. And she is red. Are you sure you're not Gary. But that's gonna make me come out of the closet. Look at just had to think about it harder. And that's right AM gay that's -- Known arrested twice before. But he could. Crazy. I think he just asked people twice and get a different answer. We don't speed. Hate doctor like cancer million don't have cancer are you sure I don't have cancer yes you do have to answer actually that's really where it. Turns out you just had this -- second time. And due today it's just the you know there -- ago. What's pretty sure it's no you don't elevates. I'm not even a doctor -- tugboat captain. Just give -- free gloves."

" This this was -- always -- music guys. The human body can make sound he hit it."

" And the."

" That's right guys the human body needs to making music."

" I got more examples are you ready what's this one what's this one are you ready."

" All -- music guys singing is music."

" You see guys it's not just singing and boys stuff people there. You see the human body can be woodwind instrument I don't mean your to its sir. I mean saying if you go up to someone lift up their shirt and start blowing air into their main -- These are making noises. It's like playing up -- soon except the noises they make sound all like."

" Again home I couldn't disguised. At people and an eight year old naval in makes it different sound."

" At least that's what you tried to tell the jury. I don't know why wasn't wearing clothes --"

" Musician and again."

" The hi I'm Reid failing. See this thing Alex about Netflix is that you have Xbox Live. You can look it up with the -- Netflix account seeking Australia free streaming video on your TV. So for some reason you want to watch that scene from super bad but there's -- pictures of the genitals on doing stuff. You know light sabers. And Oregon run a horse on the genital. You can do that over and over again. Bend over. And over again. Netbooks as a judge its customers. Good -- in rent over a 100000 titles online including a lot Blu-ray movies with free shipping both ways here at home now they have over forty shipping centers. Premature deliveries happen one business -- Netflix plans serves up 4989 as a new member can get no risk two week. Free trial membership in check out Debbie Debbie Debbie dot netflix.com. Slash ruffle. ROS file. Pictures of genitals."

" I may be actually very -- an -- me because I Israel. That people who -- blood clot in their lives whoever they are. Stuart T seen him."

" And when you burn -- you really Ph.D."

" And -- I don't -- not not because it's just like -- I think -- I -- I came in a more serious conversation. But some do and it's like it's yours pollutants."

" Yeah eighties but did you also know that every year bears can't afford -- yeah and didn't cut their -- the the weasels like. So. Yeah. Yeah and handed him. And I like a wolf I just couldn't eat. -- And morality that conversation has changed from what other. To -- Not great --"

" Green stuff man I recently found out you know when it you know when you go on to Google right when you type in something in the search box Google tends recommend the most popular search right. Well -- next Sunday going to school right type in I am extremely terrified of break when you type that in Google recommends. -- Chinese people. That's six. And dislike of Chinese people really that's what you people are scared of I quite seriously how -- Chinese people -- out scarier things you know like clowns are part STD's. Are. With the STD's. Oh my god. Chinese -- within CDs. Those are what keep me awake at night. And watch out for those guys."

" Oh AM phone and in those who is working on my website called water. -- below the -- of -- without their -- problem. You wanna make an impact on line Kodak com has -- in the dot com names as low as one I'm not plus. World class hosting. Fast and easy web site builders and much more mr. check out revision3.com. Slash GoDaddy -- you a discount to follow ruffle godaddy deals and coats. Go cougars have --"

" know you have a really unimpressive penis. From women complement your balls -- I mean."

" When they're like great ball it's -- like banks. What's the criteria for that. They're around in the magazine yielded."

" Instead of -- good."

" I thought I should know more about things that they know about like I don't know not. Not nothing's. I know nothing about cars she called his -- questions all the time it's kind of a kick in the balls if you ask me. Accommodations tailored to serve my car to white smoke came under the exhaust what does that mean means call the wrong numbers do good. You know it's also an agent until I tried looking up."

" Cars either on fire there's a new home."

" Up I like going home and have an avid -- I was arrested for drunk driving you know but you know I was thinking there's a difference. Up between certain do you wives you know like when. Let's say George W Bush's. Like americorps rotted when they're running into each other 2000 -- like. And stocks that make people identify the -- half my friends have those off you know. But there's the difference -- you lie and hit the game -- okay I was arrested in 2002. In Portland or and again right. George -- Do you have to to the Portland. George W. Bush was arrested. In Texas. In the seventies. You don't -- you have to be. To get arrested for drunk driving these taxes now like now. 2009 year of our lord you can have a beer you can just pass it off to your kid and you won't get arrested again. Any store rich and powerful family that guy arrested had to dole was and his whole career -- this -- He had who have been steering with the fourth of his own vomit project time. Okay. Chemical --"

" It's. Now not Iraq while the -- home."

" Want to stick stick shift well well well. -- bird well."

" Go to the difference is when --"

" The truth the truth."

" Results for anybody. -- for the remainder."

" One -- That's it."

" the way not to go into its retention but. And an affair where this -- in the adult film industry when a lady. Shades everything but just a little square hair above this arsonist down here. That it's called the Hitler strip. Because it square like Hitler's mustache. Really adult film industry. Was chaplain that's taken -- more fun than Hitler I think. When you take the most awesome thing in the world and name it after the most horrible human being known to mankind. By the way why keep that little square hair right there you don't mean what you hope part of your long ago probably department at North Korea just dollar like it is. And get rid of its. Is that just to -- gentleman callers just to remind you you're not about the they be like why. And I'm not a -- fan by any stretch of the imagination but do you really think this is the legacy that he intended to leave upon bad -- and Dan Halstead President Bush can zip we'll see censorship of flash all odds."

" Many -- drove by the -- mean girls are. -- issues like you get Susan's son talking just the day. Did get back. Moments like. No not days so we keep -- due to -- fifteen minutes later in the conversation things are Gomes well she stops the conversation. And she is red. Are you sure you're not Gary. But that's gonna make me come out of the closet. Look at just had to think about it harder. And that's right AM gay that's -- Known arrested twice before. But he could. Crazy. I think he just asked people twice and get a different answer. We don't speed. Hate doctor like cancer million don't have cancer are you sure I don't have cancer yes you do have to answer actually that's really where it. Turns out you just had this -- second time. And due today it's just the you know there -- ago. What's pretty sure it's no you don't elevates. I'm not even a doctor -- tugboat captain. Just give -- free gloves."

" This this was -- always -- music guys. The human body can make sound he hit it."

" And the."

" That's right guys the human body needs to making music."

" I got more examples are you ready what's this one what's this one are you ready."

" All -- music guys singing is music."

" You see guys it's not just singing and boys stuff people there. You see the human body can be woodwind instrument I don't mean your to its sir. I mean saying if you go up to someone lift up their shirt and start blowing air into their main -- These are making noises. It's like playing up -- soon except the noises they make sound all like."

" Again home I couldn't disguised. At people and an eight year old naval in makes it different sound."

" At least that's what you tried to tell the jury. I don't know why wasn't wearing clothes --"

" Musician and again."

" The hi I'm Reid failing. See this thing Alex about Netflix is that you have Xbox Live. You can look it up with the -- Netflix account seeking Australia free streaming video on your TV. So for some reason you want to watch that scene from super bad but there's -- pictures of the genitals on doing stuff. You know light sabers. And Oregon run a horse on the genital. You can do that over and over again. Bend over. And over again. Netbooks as a judge its customers. Good -- in rent over a 100000 titles online including a lot Blu-ray movies with free shipping both ways here at home now they have over forty shipping centers. Premature deliveries happen one business -- Netflix plans serves up 4989 as a new member can get no risk two week. Free trial membership in check out Debbie Debbie Debbie dot netflix.com. Slash ruffle. ROS file. Pictures of genitals."

" I may be actually very -- an -- me because I Israel. That people who -- blood clot in their lives whoever they are. Stuart T seen him."

" And when you burn -- you really Ph.D."

" And -- I don't -- not not because it's just like -- I think -- I -- I came in a more serious conversation. But some do and it's like it's yours pollutants."

" Yeah eighties but did you also know that every year bears can't afford -- yeah and didn't cut their -- the the weasels like. So. Yeah. Yeah and handed him. And I like a wolf I just couldn't eat. -- And morality that conversation has changed from what other. To -- Not great --"

" Green stuff man I recently found out you know when it you know when you go on to Google right when you type in something in the search box Google tends recommend the most popular search right. Well -- next Sunday going to school right type in I am extremely terrified of break when you type that in Google recommends. -- Chinese people. That's six. And dislike of Chinese people really that's what you people are scared of I quite seriously how -- Chinese people -- out scarier things you know like clowns are part STD's. Are. With the STD's. Oh my god. Chinese -- within CDs. Those are what keep me awake at night. And watch out for those guys."

" Oh AM phone and in those who is working on my website called water. -- below the -- of -- without their -- problem. You wanna make an impact on line Kodak com has -- in the dot com names as low as one I'm not plus. World class hosting. Fast and easy web site builders and much more mr. check out revision3.com. Slash GoDaddy -- you a discount to follow ruffle godaddy deals and coats. Go cougars have --"

" know you have a really unimpressive penis. From women complement your balls -- I mean."

" When they're like great ball it's -- like banks. What's the criteria for that. They're around in the magazine yielded."

" Instead of -- good."

" I thought I should know more about things that they know about like I don't know not. Not nothing's. I know nothing about cars she called his -- questions all the time it's kind of a kick in the balls if you ask me. Accommodations tailored to serve my car to white smoke came under the exhaust what does that mean means call the wrong numbers do good. You know it's also an agent until I tried looking up."

" Cars either on fire there's a new home."

" Up I like going home and have an avid -- I was arrested for drunk driving you know but you know I was thinking there's a difference. Up between certain do you wives you know like when. Let's say George W Bush's. Like americorps rotted when they're running into each other 2000 -- like. And stocks that make people identify the -- half my friends have those off you know. But there's the difference -- you lie and hit the game -- okay I was arrested in 2002. In Portland or and again right. George -- Do you have to to the Portland. George W. Bush was arrested. In Texas. In the seventies. You don't -- you have to be. To get arrested for drunk driving these taxes now like now. 2009 year of our lord you can have a beer you can just pass it off to your kid and you won't get arrested again. Any store rich and powerful family that guy arrested had to dole was and his whole career -- this -- He had who have been steering with the fourth of his own vomit project time. Okay. Chemical --"

" It's. Now not Iraq while the -- home."

" Want to stick stick shift well well well. -- bird well."

" Go to the difference is when --"

" The truth the truth."

mari1ee

Started discussion: November 16, 2009 @ 10:32am GMT

Episode 28 - Pubes, Gaydar, Weed and DUIs [Discussion]

The funniest stand-up comics from across the country take on being fat, smoking pot, and driving drunk.

Comedians this week:
J Chris Newberg, Chris Hardwick, Lachlan Patterson, Reid Faylor, Nancy Reed, Andy Erikson, Viet Huynh, Tom Segura, Tommy Johnagin, Matt Braunger

Watch or download this episode now!


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