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Pot Heads, Pooping, and Condoms

Sunday, August 23rd, 2009 – running time 14:56
The funniest stand-up comics from across the country take on online shopping, make-up, college, and roommates.

Segments

Seven nights a week, RooftopComedy.com records live stand-up comedy all around the world and brings you the best of it. These are our favorite jokes about online shopping, make-up, college, roommates, and a bunch of other hilarious, disgusting, true stuff. I'm sure you have some hilarious jokes about that stuff too, but trust me, this is better. For more jokes that are better than yours, head over to RooftopComedy.com.

Comedians
Shane Mauss, Mike MacRae, Chris Porter, Brooks Robinson, Geoff Keith, Cy Amundson, Jimmie Roulette, Matt Bearden, Roy Wood Jr, Dave Thomason

2 Tough 2 Die!

Shane Mauss is not, in fact, too tough to die. Deceitful online shopping...

00:01

Play

University of Indiana Jones

Mike MacRae teaches us that if you never want to be obligated to go to class, just take archaeology and hope that Professor Jones has to go find some holy stick or sword or something.

00:53

Play

As Ugly as it Gets

Chris Porter wishes he could wear makeup.

02:52

Play

Cat Answering Machines

Brooks Robinson leaves a message for Whiskers.

04:06

Play

Philosophy Class or Stoner Talk?

Geoff Keith has an intellectual college discussion about philosophy... or was that his late night conversation at that bonfire?

05:45

Play

Boy Roommates Suck

Cy Amundson's roommates are a little too close... especially for dudes... and when there are 2 bathrooms

07:15

Play

The Many Faces of the Potato

Jimmie Roulette counts the many ways of doing potatoes.

08:16

Play

President = Luckiest Man On Earth

Matt Bearden really wants to be president, but only for the SpaghettiO's on the reg.

10:40

Play

Thirty, Flirty & Thriving

Roy Wood Jr. thinks the best thing about being 30 is knowing when you need or need not to bring condoms along.

12:20

Play

SpaghettiO's Rule

Dave Thomason doesn't need fancy Lunchables, SpaghettiO's are just fine.

13:29

Play

Highlights
indiana jones ( 0:56, 1:39 ) sean connery ( 1:44 ) harrison ford ( 1:35 ) netflix ( 9:36 )

Automatically Generated Transcript(may not be 100% accurate) ( more )

" It's news sure I got -- What they do not so you."

" Online is that they're articulate passionate."

" My insurance and it says to. -- Isn't factual I don't."

" This episode."

" They're always full time over the Indiana Jones series. All cult film tomorrow part of him. And it's sort of crack into the plot of the movies Indiana Jones is a college professor somewhere in the nineteen dirt track. Every move he's got that -- the beginning -- teach in class and then something comes up he has to go save the world and I guess you just canceled class for the next six weeks and hell yeah man I don't know what's cool this is the peasant class to take. Page manual to blow glass. Archaeology you -- June's do. Every semesters got to find some police did resumption lay dead. Kansas class it's easy and Harrison Ford walks and the first day. Hurt plus my name's doctor Indiana Jones hoping your professor for geology -- on his dad Sean Connery busted the door. Junior."

" Trying to teach class here courage. To additional time. Mobile is always brought to a couple of short of dictionary you don't want to go to court entered Asia. I can just go chasing after some sort all the time. Short to a standard sort Judea. Traditional dome. -- home. -- listeners sort of -- the whole song. As soon put his widow when Theodore they Austria because before the slaughter of the opportunity it's important to -- Have been lost through flu isn't yours. And some other (%expletive) that they're making up right now. What sort belongs and obviously I'm --"

" Meanwhile back classes that are going you better go get that should do. Don't worry about us man whose only goal he takes off the class goes on Florida party afterwards what I tell you every semester he did it."

" And to me globes are."

" Already had not. Deception when it comes to women in the books what we get to wear make up I'll get to wear make up not saying don't wanna wear make up and welcome look at. Not great. Bob Bratt. But not great. Guest book ladies. Whose ugly is not -- right here. I go home and wash my face still this book and not doing that. This is ground zero for mistakes. Some ladies are naturally beautiful. Some -- Aren't so lucky. We're just supply. Right yeah we don't know we take you -- ignore the bathroom to wash your face up up to do walks out like -- Betters and your sister back out here -- hack. I know what's going on here this bait and switch my daisies. I'll call the Better Business Bureau home."

" I called Somalia today it's a good story already and I guess they're answering machine. I remembered the big deal but it was no big -- the citizens because I had called -- who feels he needs to tell you that they are cap. Also cannot come to the phone right now. Like navies to Johnson's Jenny Indian whiskers and we came from the phone right now."

" And it's really stupid right but it's also like a blow to my ego because I know -- cats they are just ignore my call on the caller ID instead. My external U if you can you put a person so -- on an -- and I'm like hey -- Andy what's -- his -- actually -- whiskers -- I know you'd expect up. You're an indoor perhaps."

" Oh they have going -- in those who is working on my website it's called water. -- of five below the progressive cool without their own problem. If you wanna make an impact on line Kodak com has what you need dot com names -- when I'm not plus. World class hosting. Fast and easy web site builders and much more. We should check -- revision3.com. Slash GoDaddy did you discount to follow ruffle godaddy dealing coats. Go cougars fans have been."

" It's -- philosophy class and hasn't called yet they're taking a -- fassel summing up for you it's a lot like hanging out the pot head all day. Clearing out the Stoner and is that you're to stupid questions what they want answers drag -- Heyman. Glad you're here. How come the ceilings on top -- Always up there and the floor and on the bottom. It's up with and you like what the what the -- you talk about what's. No like come on let's talk about it for a couple hours I had -- let's. That's velocity classic exactly that's that my -- he would do that you ask -- dumb (%expletive) and wants to prove it this is an actual election we got plus the classes like whoa guys. I don't even know. If the tables in the room are really here. Can anybody proved. That the tables are really in the room how we've been off the chairs are really here I don't even know of war really hear that capital like holy (%expletive) this doesn't take attendance. Let's check it out buddy I'm going to leave and unless you prove I'm out there. Don't -- me absent. But please you can never failed philosophy class they can never be like you got an F I just feel like ORD. Night. I think they're gonna name."

" I I am officially done with do roommates. Six -- male roommates I I came home the other day walked past our bathroom my roommate was showering with the door open. And we have a steadier shower curtain. I know what you think insiders not that bad I'm not finished. My other roommate was also in the bathroom. Putin -- playing solitaire. Holy (%expletive) I'm moving outside. I have so many issues that won him. Series me neither are you gonna -- ten minutes just ten minutes. To find that you must -- well -- showers. Don't enjoy solitaire is not a short game. For me."

" Through its."

" I was automatically paid out -- section as it is. Because there's so many different potatoes is not like -- where there's one thing that's really. -- control is make imitative and read the -- new data smoker David Blackwell dead. The black Clinton's. I laughed -- me so -- have no evidence of a -- Tucker we got a leg he's got his own toy of tomorrow."

" That's got a copy prevention -- right there."

" And every aspect of our -- like breakfast lunch and dinner hash browns tater tots French Fries potato chips through. You don't feel bad for sweet -- All yea he's got data name."

" Never caught on -- became famous."

" Like he moved out he started drinking. -- is named yea owns this. All we're doing our best of a -- We're never gonna find Leno Letterman no -- Drive did you -- I wholly zip let's look jokes what do we talking about."

" Hi I'm Reid failing. See this thing -- about Netflix is that you have Xbox Live. You can look it up with -- Netflix account seeking what -- your free streaming video on your TV. So for some reason you want to watch that scene from super bad but there's all pictures of the genitals all of doing stuff. You know light sabers. And Oregon run a horse on the -- You can do that over and over again. And over. And over again. Netflix doesn't judge its customers. Good -- in -- over a 100000 titles online including a lot Blu-ray movies with free shipping both ways here at home now they have over forty shipping centers. Premature deliveries happen one business -- Netflix plans serves up 4989 doesn't remember it you get no risk two week. Free trial membership can check out Debbie Debbie Debbie got netflix.com. Slash ruffle. ROS file. Pictures and genitals."

" Barack Obama."

" Is that I make -- that this is these things I think would be -- I don't wanna be president I can't really wanna be president. But to look to run the country like I don't want kind of pressure to deal that I want all the extra cool -- you get like when you know when your president they give you a cook."

" Who's in the -- soup wake up whatever you want -- boot he had."

" To do it but he's -- whatever. Like I would."

" Take advantage of that tightly like this like 3 in the morning boots but."

" Getting -- bids to Baghdad clothes that. And it can't bits of one of homemade mother welcome home my feet."

" I think he has got a straw and might blow a noodle lemon slice it and the nose or whatever but that's the kind of -- but that's gonna wanna have happen. As a president. I think that would be fun. I doubt that Barack when he got us photos take is they give UN official portrait like I think that's going to be your own tortured now elite. They're always like this or something like -- up on a wacky hat."

" Our justice veto what what can president."

" So in the old days he's the paint a picture and then they start taking photographs because it was a new kind of -- picture and then on Barack Obama and took his photograph its modern Aaron. Particularly digital camera. So it's the first picture that doesn't actually even exists it's all ones and zeros it's the first ever digital photograph of the president which I think it's cool is now at least there's a way to tell his apart from the other."

" 43."

" Now think about being -- have to carry condoms every day. You know with a much didn't sound. -- bring you twenty Giguere condom every big you never know literally follow the sky. If you know he's there there's no can't -- and you know. Got a -- 39 decades conflict torn normally do cut it out. Everyday -- always -- But he pockets allegedly takes children who lives -- absolutely -- possible -- get a little peace and freedom that we are going to -- those together. -- women that you expected to -- its not like we'll leave the house every morning trying to put out."

" The thing we know at the same me leave the house thing if somebody wants to have 68 pet condoms -- religion thing in the same thing make pat Leahy's senate aides --"

" Yeah."

" Yeah yeah."

" It personally I don't need very well the other day I was as being able spaghetti excellence. -- And and I love spaghetti we'll let jingle is is that a host the videos. I love that develop that oh about oh really accurately portrays an extra theory misfortune I feel when I realized I'm a grown man and eating a bowl spaghetti -- let's. But Indians in the first enforcement albums like going to automotive shop there. I think members Michael -- Close right now. Dealers -- bull snow's I don't buy it. -- Not a smaller bike yeah. Since my life but. The feeling of doing other similar vision advertise and the same way it's gonna -- you meet your (%expletive) yet. -- Don't really. It's not always enough in her."

" It the truth and from time."

" It's news sure I got -- What they do not so you."

" Online is that they're articulate passionate."

" My insurance and it says to. -- Isn't factual I don't."

" This episode."

" They're always full time over the Indiana Jones series. All cult film tomorrow part of him. And it's sort of crack into the plot of the movies Indiana Jones is a college professor somewhere in the nineteen dirt track. Every move he's got that -- the beginning -- teach in class and then something comes up he has to go save the world and I guess you just canceled class for the next six weeks and hell yeah man I don't know what's cool this is the peasant class to take. Page manual to blow glass. Archaeology you -- June's do. Every semesters got to find some police did resumption lay dead. Kansas class it's easy and Harrison Ford walks and the first day. Hurt plus my name's doctor Indiana Jones hoping your professor for geology -- on his dad Sean Connery busted the door. Junior."

" Trying to teach class here courage. To additional time. Mobile is always brought to a couple of short of dictionary you don't want to go to court entered Asia. I can just go chasing after some sort all the time. Short to a standard sort Judea. Traditional dome. -- home. -- listeners sort of -- the whole song. As soon put his widow when Theodore they Austria because before the slaughter of the opportunity it's important to -- Have been lost through flu isn't yours. And some other (%expletive) that they're making up right now. What sort belongs and obviously I'm --"

" Meanwhile back classes that are going you better go get that should do. Don't worry about us man whose only goal he takes off the class goes on Florida party afterwards what I tell you every semester he did it."

" And to me globes are."

" Already had not. Deception when it comes to women in the books what we get to wear make up I'll get to wear make up not saying don't wanna wear make up and welcome look at. Not great. Bob Bratt. But not great. Guest book ladies. Whose ugly is not -- right here. I go home and wash my face still this book and not doing that. This is ground zero for mistakes. Some ladies are naturally beautiful. Some -- Aren't so lucky. We're just supply. Right yeah we don't know we take you -- ignore the bathroom to wash your face up up to do walks out like -- Betters and your sister back out here -- hack. I know what's going on here this bait and switch my daisies. I'll call the Better Business Bureau home."

" I called Somalia today it's a good story already and I guess they're answering machine. I remembered the big deal but it was no big -- the citizens because I had called -- who feels he needs to tell you that they are cap. Also cannot come to the phone right now. Like navies to Johnson's Jenny Indian whiskers and we came from the phone right now."

" And it's really stupid right but it's also like a blow to my ego because I know -- cats they are just ignore my call on the caller ID instead. My external U if you can you put a person so -- on an -- and I'm like hey -- Andy what's -- his -- actually -- whiskers -- I know you'd expect up. You're an indoor perhaps."

" Oh they have going -- in those who is working on my website it's called water. -- of five below the progressive cool without their own problem. If you wanna make an impact on line Kodak com has what you need dot com names -- when I'm not plus. World class hosting. Fast and easy web site builders and much more. We should check -- revision3.com. Slash GoDaddy did you discount to follow ruffle godaddy dealing coats. Go cougars fans have been."

" It's -- philosophy class and hasn't called yet they're taking a -- fassel summing up for you it's a lot like hanging out the pot head all day. Clearing out the Stoner and is that you're to stupid questions what they want answers drag -- Heyman. Glad you're here. How come the ceilings on top -- Always up there and the floor and on the bottom. It's up with and you like what the what the -- you talk about what's. No like come on let's talk about it for a couple hours I had -- let's. That's velocity classic exactly that's that my -- he would do that you ask -- dumb (%expletive) and wants to prove it this is an actual election we got plus the classes like whoa guys. I don't even know. If the tables in the room are really here. Can anybody proved. That the tables are really in the room how we've been off the chairs are really here I don't even know of war really hear that capital like holy (%expletive) this doesn't take attendance. Let's check it out buddy I'm going to leave and unless you prove I'm out there. Don't -- me absent. But please you can never failed philosophy class they can never be like you got an F I just feel like ORD. Night. I think they're gonna name."

" I I am officially done with do roommates. Six -- male roommates I I came home the other day walked past our bathroom my roommate was showering with the door open. And we have a steadier shower curtain. I know what you think insiders not that bad I'm not finished. My other roommate was also in the bathroom. Putin -- playing solitaire. Holy (%expletive) I'm moving outside. I have so many issues that won him. Series me neither are you gonna -- ten minutes just ten minutes. To find that you must -- well -- showers. Don't enjoy solitaire is not a short game. For me."

" Through its."

" I was automatically paid out -- section as it is. Because there's so many different potatoes is not like -- where there's one thing that's really. -- control is make imitative and read the -- new data smoker David Blackwell dead. The black Clinton's. I laughed -- me so -- have no evidence of a -- Tucker we got a leg he's got his own toy of tomorrow."

" That's got a copy prevention -- right there."

" And every aspect of our -- like breakfast lunch and dinner hash browns tater tots French Fries potato chips through. You don't feel bad for sweet -- All yea he's got data name."

" Never caught on -- became famous."

" Like he moved out he started drinking. -- is named yea owns this. All we're doing our best of a -- We're never gonna find Leno Letterman no -- Drive did you -- I wholly zip let's look jokes what do we talking about."

" Hi I'm Reid failing. See this thing -- about Netflix is that you have Xbox Live. You can look it up with -- Netflix account seeking what -- your free streaming video on your TV. So for some reason you want to watch that scene from super bad but there's all pictures of the genitals all of doing stuff. You know light sabers. And Oregon run a horse on the -- You can do that over and over again. And over. And over again. Netflix doesn't judge its customers. Good -- in -- over a 100000 titles online including a lot Blu-ray movies with free shipping both ways here at home now they have over forty shipping centers. Premature deliveries happen one business -- Netflix plans serves up 4989 doesn't remember it you get no risk two week. Free trial membership can check out Debbie Debbie Debbie got netflix.com. Slash ruffle. ROS file. Pictures and genitals."

" Barack Obama."

" Is that I make -- that this is these things I think would be -- I don't wanna be president I can't really wanna be president. But to look to run the country like I don't want kind of pressure to deal that I want all the extra cool -- you get like when you know when your president they give you a cook."

" Who's in the -- soup wake up whatever you want -- boot he had."

" To do it but he's -- whatever. Like I would."

" Take advantage of that tightly like this like 3 in the morning boots but."

" Getting -- bids to Baghdad clothes that. And it can't bits of one of homemade mother welcome home my feet."

" I think he has got a straw and might blow a noodle lemon slice it and the nose or whatever but that's the kind of -- but that's gonna wanna have happen. As a president. I think that would be fun. I doubt that Barack when he got us photos take is they give UN official portrait like I think that's going to be your own tortured now elite. They're always like this or something like -- up on a wacky hat."

" Our justice veto what what can president."

" So in the old days he's the paint a picture and then they start taking photographs because it was a new kind of -- picture and then on Barack Obama and took his photograph its modern Aaron. Particularly digital camera. So it's the first picture that doesn't actually even exists it's all ones and zeros it's the first ever digital photograph of the president which I think it's cool is now at least there's a way to tell his apart from the other."

" 43."

" Now think about being -- have to carry condoms every day. You know with a much didn't sound. -- bring you twenty Giguere condom every big you never know literally follow the sky. If you know he's there there's no can't -- and you know. Got a -- 39 decades conflict torn normally do cut it out. Everyday -- always -- But he pockets allegedly takes children who lives -- absolutely -- possible -- get a little peace and freedom that we are going to -- those together. -- women that you expected to -- its not like we'll leave the house every morning trying to put out."

" The thing we know at the same me leave the house thing if somebody wants to have 68 pet condoms -- religion thing in the same thing make pat Leahy's senate aides --"

" Yeah."

" Yeah yeah."

" It personally I don't need very well the other day I was as being able spaghetti excellence. -- And and I love spaghetti we'll let jingle is is that a host the videos. I love that develop that oh about oh really accurately portrays an extra theory misfortune I feel when I realized I'm a grown man and eating a bowl spaghetti -- let's. But Indians in the first enforcement albums like going to automotive shop there. I think members Michael -- Close right now. Dealers -- bull snow's I don't buy it. -- Not a smaller bike yeah. Since my life but. The feeling of doing other similar vision advertise and the same way it's gonna -- you meet your (%expletive) yet. -- Don't really. It's not always enough in her."

" It the truth and from time."

mari1ee

Started discussion: August 24, 2009 @ 9:49am GMT

Episode 16 - Pot Heads, Pooping, and Condoms [Discussion]

The funniest stand-up comics from across the country take on online shopping, make-up, college, and roommates.

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